I threw perfect out the window.

Disclaimer: I should soooo be cleaning my house. Or sleeping. But I need to process, so writing it is. And chocolate. Thanks to my super-husband, who left a lovely box of chocolates in my car along with an equally lovely card, I am set. Definitely a dark chocolate kind of night. None of that sissy stuff.

Where to begin? How about this: My standards have lowered. In a good sort of way, I think. And I don't think they will stay quite this low, but hopefully the attitude of "focus on what's truly important" is a keeper. They've lowered partly by choice (I really don't want to be a control-freak constantly busying myself with appearing as if I have everything together), and partly by sheer necessity. As in, I just simply DON'T have everything together!! And if I'm going to stay afloat something's gotta give. So right now that means my house. I'm getting the kids in bed by 8 and I am DONE. Totally, completely exhausted. A few nights I've even gone straight to bed right after them! Cuz, guess what, it starts all over again bright and early in the morning!

Last Saturday I remember thinking I was having a pretty darn good day. Lots of time playing with the kids, no big issues, pretty much a happy home. Then I looked down at 4 pm and realized I was still in my jammies. Whatever, sometimes you have to redefine success.

We are going on 2 weeks with 4 kiddos age 4 and under in our home. Not to be dramatic, but I'm tired just writing that sentence. I KNOW that one day will come when this will not seem all that challenging (just like you get used to 1, and 2, and 3 babies...the day does come!), but all I know is IT IS NOT TODAY.

I feel like wearing a sign, or telling every one I see, "I have 4 kids, you know!" as if that explains everything from my impatience to my dirty car. As if I'm the only one with a challenge on my plate. Lame, I know. But I want to be completely honest here (so as not to appear like I have it all together!) and admit that most everything seems like a huge deal right now.

We went from a family of 5 to a fam of 6 on Valentine's day when our newest little foster baby came to stay. For now, I'll call him C. He's 16 months old and cute as can be! We are thrilled to have him. The kids adore him. And we're pretty much scared to death of falling in love with him. We don't know how long C will be with us, although it's likely to be several months, and then he just may go back to his dad.

So we are walking that road that we've been hypothetically trying to figure out how to walk for over a year now: How do you love a child with everything you have (which is the kind of parental, pour-out-your-heart, allow-myself-to-bond-with-you kind of love that he needs) and not completely lose it if he leaves?

We are already falling for this kid. And Kevan spends hours every week trying to help C's dad get him back. What a conflict of emotions. What a counter-intuitive thing to do. No wonder we are exhausted.

This is not the way families are supposed to be. Babies are supposed to be born into loving, nurturing arms and remain in the care of adoring parents. But sometimes it is much, much more complicated and messy than that. And God has led us to be a part of this very complicated, messy thing. We have no idea how it will end. But we do know this: God has led us here, and He will carry us through. And, if we keep our eyes on Him, He will do great things through us while we are here. That is our hope; that is our prayer.

The words are starting to blur together. I've eaten 2 fabulous pieces of chocolate. I think I need to call it a night. More on all this later, I'm sure. But here's a summary: We are tired. We are blessed. We are completely fulfilled. We are changing day-by-day as the Spirit works within us. And we are thankful for HELP.

Good night!