Musings From a Mother's Heart...: February 2012

The other night a long-time friend and I were getting caught up, swapping stories, sharing ideas, and attempting to encourage one another in this journey called motherhood.

"So what time do you get up?," she asked me. "Usually by 5:30 or 6:00," I tell her. "What do you do so early?" she wants to know. Without hesitating, I simply blurt, "My Bible study." And then I remember. And her expression confirms. People who hear that other people - especially other exhausted mamas - get up super early to read their Bible sometimes feel, uh, guilty? Less spiritual? I don't know for sure, but I certainly used to be on the other side, wondering how other mamas did it, and quite sure that they must be more spiritually mature than I.

But now I know the truth.

It is not holiness that drives one out of bed while it's still dark. It's not piety, nor righteousness, that compels us to study, to soak in and pour over, the Scriptures while the house is still quiet. It's sheer, downright, no-where-else-to-turn desperation.

And how I love being desperate.

I need this bread of life, this lamp unto my feet, this living and active Holy Word, more than I need the air I breathe. It is a matter of survival.

I need to meditate on it, saturate myself in its Truths, and clothe myself in the Way I should go before my children's feet hit the floor. Otherwise I am lost. I am floundering from the moment I awake, little face staring into mine, child-whispering "I need breakfast mama." I stumble bleary-eyed from the bedroom, and I'm sucked into the undercurrent of spilled cereal beneath my feet, babies crying in cribs, wet diapers and soaked through pajamas, he took my toy, she hurt me on purpose, "Mom, does God want us to make mistakes?", no-we-do-not-chew-on-electrical-wires, please be GENTLE...and I am unanchored. I need to show love, to dredge up patience, to model kindness and forbearance...yet I can't remember how.

It's like walking into a war zone without your armor.

And, maybe it's just me, but I need to reapply that armor over and over and over again. How quickly I forget what love looks like. How could I have read His words just yesterday, and still live like I've never even heard the name of Jesus? I need more.

I need His Word, more and more of it. And I need to trust that it will change me. The gap between who I am and who He wants me to be - who I long to be - it will grow more narrow. How I want the joy in my heart, my gratitude for grace and mercy and life in Jesus, to spill over into my everyday actions, to completely override the frustrations, the irritations, the tug-of-war between selfish and selfless. I am desperate for it.

It's out of this place of desperation that I am drawn to Jesus. It's the broken who need to be fixed, the sick who need healing. Somewhere in the last year I went from feeling well (I think I actually thought mothering was...easy) to feeling very, very unwell. I was engulfed by my circumstances and - even more significant - paralyzed by a new-found awareness of my own sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. I am frantic for this foothold, and I will claw and scrape and cling to every opportunity I can that brings me back to the Truth of His Word.

It was lovely when motherhood was easy, a gift from God. But I think this is the greater gift. It's the difficulty, the challenge, the inadequacy, the I-can't-do-this-on-my-own, the guilt, that has driven me straight to the foot of the cross.

And never has it been more beautiful.

Little moments that I thank God for! Here's a day in the life of the Plumb family...

That's E's swaddle blanket from his newborn days...still loves it!

Bekah Jane does everything with her Bunny...tucked in her arm eating lunch :)

I don't really know why, but I think this kind of stuff is so stinkin' cute!! I just love their imaginations and how they can play so contently in their own little worlds.

Bekah Jane made me lunch. Yes, that's grass and weed soup.

All clean and ready to suggle with daddy before bed!

A kid sitting and reading...does it get much better? I submit that it does not.

Elijah pointing at the moon out the window.

And now, because he's my baby, I am going to post a million pictures of Eli exploring the swingset...how did he get so big?!?

Oh, hey there cutie!

Bekah Jane rescued these fish from her bath toys and decided to give them each their own individual aquarium. It cracks me up to walk into my kitchen and see stuff like this.