To my ONE YEAR OLD! (How can it be?!)

Dear sweet baby boy,

Tonight I laid you down a baby and tomorrow you will wake up a one-year-old. I want to celebrate you in every possible way. You are a joy, a delight, and God's precious gift to me. Oh, how I wanted you. How I hoped and prayed that God would bless us with another healthy pregnancy, another baby. And every day I look at you and think "You were so worth wanting." Sometimes we want something so badly, yet when we get it we are still discontent. But with you, my son, my joy is overflowing; I am spilling with thankfulness, in awe of your miraculous life. It's been an entire year of reveling, pondering, rejoicing over you...and I still can't get over God's goodness by giving you to us.

We brought you home from the hospital late on a Wednesday night, the day after you were born. For the next week or so, I mostly just laid in bed with you on my chest, skin to skin, soaking in your smell, your wonderfulness. I will never forget those moments, the love I had for your daddy for giving me that time, and the way I knew I would love you forever.

Tonight I kissed your neck and you threw your head back and laughed. Your smile is so big it sometimes is not even a smile anymore -- it's just a gigantic "O" that covers your whole face. You are so in love with life, with the world, with your brothers and sister, with the day-old cheerio you find tucked under the couch. Everything to you is wondrous, and your joy is downright contagious.

You are hands-down the happiest baby I've ever seen. And it's not because I'm such a great mom (although you are pretty lucky to have me), rather that's just how God made you. With a passion, a zest, an excitement - even a sense of humor - that is already the hallmark of your life. How will you use this, my son, for God's glory as you grow? What does He have in store for you? I can't wait to see!

God has allowed you to stay my baby for a little longer than I expected. Your just now starting to move around, to get into things, as you master your funny little bottom scoot. Your two lower front teeth just finally showed their pearly tips a couple weeks ago. You're still deliciously chubby and love to nurse....you've only recently discovered the joy of "real" food.

I've loved every minute of your babyhood, Elijah Holbrook Plumb, and I've dug my heals in trying to slow it down. But I know from experience, from watching your big brother and sister, that it just keeps getting better. So while I'm sad to see this year end, I embrace what is to come. And rejoice over one more day, perhaps one more year, maybe even an entire lifetime with you. What a gift!

Happy 1st birthday, my beautiful son!

A bit about today...

Before I get to today, let me first say thank you for your comments, especially on the housework dilemma. You guys had great ideas and were super encouraging. Young mamas, if you haven't read my mom's comment on that post ("Regrets"), go back to it. She encourages us all!

Ok, here's today in a nutshell:

• Two visits from social workers today. Honestly, I like both of our social workers (one from the county and one from our agency). But I will be oh-so-glad when our life does not revolve around them. =)


• Took all 4 kiddos to the grocery store with me. DID YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY?? Yes! And it was VICTORIOUS! I was giddy-proud of them by the time we left. We even did a cheer in the car to celebrate. I never thought I'd see the day. Hearing all the comments from fellow shoppers was half the fun..."All are those kids yours??" (In case this sounds dramatic, let me just remind you - and myself, years from now when I'm re-reading this post - my kids are 4, 3, almost-2, and almost-1...not exactly a recipe for successful grocery shopping!).


• Questions/thoughts from Ezekiel today: "How do worms see?" "Do octopuses scare eels?" "Deer are friendly, unless you are mean to them. Then they get antlers. You got to be kind to deers, mom."


• Had a great conversation with the kids about caring for the hungry/poor on the way home from the grocery store. We saw a man asking for food as we got off the freeway, so I pulled over and put some of our groceries in a separate bag for him. I don't do this all the time, but today was one of those times when I could not ignore the prompting to help. (By the time I got back to the off ramp, he was gone so he never got the groceries. This happens to me a lot. Where do the homeless people go?! Why do they move so fast??). One of the things high on my "parenting priority" list is giving my kids an awareness - and hopefully compassion for - how most of the world lives. We talked about how God has given us plenty of money to buy food, and how we can share that with others who are hungry. Bekah Jane was all about it ("Sharing is good mom! We have two monies at home, so we can give one money to the man! Then he can go to the store and buy food!"). Ezekiel was MAD. He really believed that if we gave our food away we wouldn't have any left. He flat-out told me "This is a BAD idea mom!" and he was totally relieved when the man had left his off-ramp post. I think we'll be having a few more conversations on this topic, he and I. =)


• My husband has the patience of a saint. He spent HOURS yesterday working with C to get him out of his defiant "funk." I could not believe the balance he found between staying controlled, firm, and loving. I would not have lasted 5 minutes!! And he was successful, too. Days like that end up being pretty big turning points in our progress with C, so I'm very thankful!


• Elijah is almost one. I don't want to talk about it. PLEASE SLOW DOWN, Elijah. I am crazy-obsessed-over-the-moon for this baby. So is everyone else in this family, for that matter. Even though I want him to stay my baby, we all can't wait to celebrate him on his birthday! (Ezekiel's been singing to him for weeks.)


• I put both babies to bed in my room tonight so I could work on decorating their room. I am waiting for paint to dry now, but I think I'm running out of steam. Shoot...I guess I'd be bored if I got it all done tonight anyway, right?!

Happy 4th of July weekend! Anna (Nana) is coming into town to visit with us, and the kids are sooo excited!!

Good morning, Sunday

I love Sundays. LOVE them.

We get to worship God, freely, collectively. We get to encourage one another in the faith, in life, in the sitting next to, the dropping off of kids, the singing off-key and not caring, the leaning forward to absorb Pastor's every word.

I love the drive to church, all 7 minutes of it. Usually begins with a high-five and a congratulations that we made it to this point, 4 little bottoms buckled into 5-point harnesses, the payoff for preparation that began a full 12 hours earlier. Followed by some comment usually like, "I think this is the earliest we've ever been late!" Kevan squeezes my hand, turns up our "church music" and signals celebration...it's time for church! Regardless of how crazy the morning was, or how little sleep we got, now is when we refocus and prepare our hearts.

I love the kids in our service, sitting, wiggling, learning, worshiping.

I love watching Bruce, well over 60 but with the mind and social graces of a 6 year old, hands held high and praising Jesus. I love how he reaches for my hand when it's time to pray - even if I'm sitting behind or in front of him.

I love my kids' teachers, the way they delight in my children and are passionate about teaching them the Bible.

I love the rest, the opportunity to connect with friends and family, the intentional setting aside of have-to's and the focus on what nurtures our soul, fills us.

This morning I am up in the darkness, hoping that medication will work it's wonders soon and relieve this sore throat that is robbing me of sleep and sanity. An opportunity to reflect, to anticipate, to thank God for rest, and new beginnings, and mercies new every morning. Happy Sunday.

Nine Years with The Babe.

For someone who is a "writer by profession", there are a few things that I still have trouble putting into words (thankfully, there is a word for that: Ineffable). And one of those things is the way I feel about my husband. My joy, my gratitude, my overwhelming love for this man run so deep and wild that words feel like a pathetic attempt to capture and reign in and control something that is better left untamed.

I still daydream about him when I'm driving.

Every sappy love song reminds me of us.

I am in awe of how he can balance me, bring me back to what's important, make me laugh when I really want to be grumpy.

I am amazed -- and oh so humbly thankful -- at his desire to live a life of sacrifice for me. It plays out in our lives every day in big and small ways, and I know -- without a doubt -- that his constant effort to put my needs before his own is the single biggest contributor to the joy we find in marriage. (Aside from the grace of God, but do I even need to say that??)

I love to watch him struggle. To wrestle with himself. And I love seeing God win, because he always does. I think one of the biggest lessons I've learned in my nearly-nine-years of marriage is to simply pray for my husband's weaknesses. And then sit back and let God work. Man, that's been fun to see.

If this is too over-the-line cheesy for you, stop reading now because it's about to get worse.

Perhaps what I treasure most about the Babe, what I realize is truly a gem, is that I get how much he loves me. I know that I am loved in a way that is rare and beautiful and I count it as a nothing less than pure gift.

And here's the part the just makes me laugh: Our relationship should NOT be this way. I think we probably raised a few eyebrows when we got married, and may have seemed oddly matched to some. Even I look back on my 18-year-old-self and wonder what I was thinking when we first started dating. But, little by little, God turned what should have been a mess into a beautiful relationship. And it is only by His grace and lavish love for us that we are sustained.

So tomorrow we are leaving the 4 bambinos at grandma's and escaping for a night away to early-celebrate our 9 year anniversary. I CANNOT WAIT to sleep, and read, and rest, and hang out with my man. Ahhhh...ineffable.

Regrets

There is not a whole lot in my season of mothering, thus far, that I think I will regret. I spend a lot of time with my kids -- choosing hide-n-seek over laundry, being in the band over making the bed. I am deeply aware that every day with them is a gift. Even on the hard days, when I can't wait to get them in bed, I spend a few minutes with each them, stroking their hair, looking at their beautiful features, in full realization that I may or may not have this moment with them again. I try to memorize the sound of her giggle, etch his funny faces in the recesses of my heart, bottle up the way they mispronounce words and gesture with their hands and whisper to themselves as they play with toys.

But there is one exception to my non-regrets. One thing that I let get under my skin and rob me of joy on a continual basis. It affects my mood, and therefore affects my kids, my husband: The condition of my house. Why, oh why, do I let it have a physical and emotional hold on me? You know what? I think it's a longing for heaven. We were created to love beauty, to relish perfection. And we long for it in this fallen world. The disorder, the mess, it gets to me. I crave order, tidiness, neat little rows of something for longer than 10 minutes. But tis not the season. Oh, there is order and cleanliness from time to time...but it never lasts and neither does my satisfaction.

So, I think I'm 50% of the way there in my quest to "let it go". I daily CHOOSE to focus on the more important, the people. To say "yes" to the guests and "no" to perfection. But now comes perhaps the greater challenge: To CHOOSE not to let the mess bother me. Because I don't want to look back on this season and think about all the time I wasted grumpy and frustrated about the condition of a home that was occupied by 4 precious--albeit messy-- little gifts from God!

Any pointers from the mamas out there who have already figured this out?

Sweet boy.

From the mouth of Ezekiel:

• When Bekah Jane left for the doctor's yesterday, he gave her a hug and said "I hope you feel better soon, sister."


• Last weekend I got to take baby girl to a "Princess Tea" at our church. Ezekiel woke her up that morning, all excited, saying "You get to go to your tea today Bekah!!"


• After Bekah Jane's dance class, E ran up to her and said "I am SO PROUD of you baby! Good job!" (Promise, I do not tell him to say this stuff!)


• At a party on Sunday, Ezekiel walked up to a stranger and pointed out Elijah in the room. "That's my baby brother, Elijah, " he said, "He's a super cute baby."


• At bedtime, he always says "Goodnight, Elijah, I will play with you tomorrow!" and "You're my best baby brother!" Today, while I was nursing Elijah, Ezekiel kissed his head and whispered "You're a good boy."


• In addition to his unbelievably sweet comments to his brothers and sister, Ezekiel continues to be OBSESSED with animals. This morning: "Mom, you know what's really important? Baby Jaguars." Um, ok.


• A couple days ago a heard him yelling for help in the kitchen. I ran in there, only to find him hanging on to the fridge handles, standing on the freezer drawer below. When I ask what in the world he was doing, he said "I'm a howler monkey. We like to climb." Apparently, howler monkeys don't know how to get down, though.

(Lest you think my son is perfect, Bekah Jane just came out of my room crying and saying "Brother hit me with a pillow!" Ah, we enjoy the sweet moments when we get them!)

Compassion.

I have compassion for the hungry, for the homeless. Probably more than most, I'd guess. And I certainly have compassion for the orphan, the abandoned. The unloved. That's what brought us to bring a child that's not of our flesh and blood into our home, isn't it? And there - right there, the moment the child crosses your threshold and becomes part of your world, instead of just something sad about the world - that's when compassion goes from macro to micro.

I think I'm pretty good at macro-compassion. You know, feeling deeply about large-scale problems like hunger and abuse. But micro-compassion - the kind of compassion needed when you transition from feeling sorry for a situation to actually getting in there and doing something about it - that kind of compassion is what brings me to my knees. Because it's one thing to hurt deeply for the orphans of this world, but it's quite another to wake up to the sound of him screaming when you desperately want another hour - or two - of sleep. Or to take extra care of his blistering bottom when you're changing the 6th poopy diaper of the day because of his mysteriously troubled little tummy. Or when you're washing that same poop from his hair, because he woke with it covering his crib, his pajamas, his entire body. It is in those moments when I begin to wonder if I actually have any compassion at all.

Two weeks ago today I asked my mom to start praying that God would give me an abundance of compassion. Compassion flowing out of me, spilling onto the children in my care - and one little blond baby in particular. "Maybe this is God's way of protecting you, though," she replied. Meaning that I may not want to feel too deeply for this child, for fear of loosing him in the end. And perhaps she's right.

But it's not right, because what is there instead of compassion is ugly. And not of the Lord, and certainly not honoring to him. So she's praying. And I'm praying. For compassion.

And something is happening.

Sure enough, bit by bit, my heart is softening - sometimes I would even call it mush - as I care for this baby boy. The moments are more tender, more sincere. Today, when he wanted to get my attention, he gently reached up and put his hands on my cheeks. This, from the boy who just weeks ago - or was it days? - was throwing toys at my head to ask for help. Chubby little hands on my cheeks? Mush.

I'm finding myself thinking about him when he's not around. Feeling a bit anxious when I have to leave him, and excited when I get to pick him up again. Happy to hear his sounds in the morning, rather than dreading the new day. Hurting with him when he hurts. And this, more than anything else, is the true litmus test of my compassion for him: My mama-bear instincts are coming out. I want to protect him from hurt, from disappointment, from rejection.

This is no longer a babysitting gig.

As scary as it is to feel this way, I'm equally as scared that it will go away. So pray with me, for an outpouring of compassion to flood our home. And that we will know -- no matter how this journey ends -- we have done what the Lord requires of us.

My heart is full.

Blessings from today:

• My craigslist carseat find! (Two practically-new Britax seats!)



• Watching my daughter pretend to juggle during our "talent show." I laughed so hard watching her...I think even she believed she was actually juggling.



• Snuggling with C for over 20 minutes while we waited in the doctor's office. He crawled up in my lap and nuzzled into me, kissing my cheek from time to time. It was probably the sweetest time I've ever had with him. Simply precious.



• Family movie night! Complete with popcorn and licorice. Watching Bekah Jane comfort Ezekiel when he was scared (Toy Story 3 can be scary you know!). Watching Ezekiel absent-mindedly play with Bekah Jane's hair and rub her back during the movie. They are so stinkin' cute together.
  

It was a good day, a good day indeed.

Well, hi there.

It's been a while. And for good reason. I have 4 KIDS UNDER 5 living in my house. Who has time to blog? (Or pee, for that matter...haha.)

Yeah, it's been crazy. CRAZY. I-could-write-a-book kind of crazy. But we are learning so much, and growing, and - even in some pretty dark moments - confident that we are exactly where God wants us to be.

(Quick apology: Sorry no pictures. We are still careful what we put of C on the world wide web, but trust me when I tell you he's a cutie!)

So, here's a quick look at where we've been...and where God has brought us now.

• When C first arrived, he was unable to play independently, or even with the other kids. It was like this 16 month old baby was a caged animal in our home, looking for something to throw, destroy, hurt or unleash his anger on. TODAY....he can play happily on his own for short periods of time! I'm telling you, the first time he did this I texted my sister I was so happy!



• C is learning to control his temper. He still throws LOTS of fits, but now he will often stop himself and correct his behavior when prompted.



• In the early days, if I had to go outside (like to get something from the car), he would FREAK OUT if I left him inside (for even a second). Ok, maybe this is a normal baby thing, but wow was it new to me. Same was true if I even left the room. (And really it wouldn't have been that big of a deal if Kevan didn't sleep during the day! I sort of began to feel trapped in my own home, for fear of C waking up Kevan). But NOW...he understands (and, more importantly, believes us) when we tell him we are not leaving him, and will be right back. He is beginning to trust that we will not abandon him, and that he is special to us.



• Similarly, he used to scream bloody murder while I loaded up the car, because I had to run back and forth between the house and the car a few times. Now he is secure enough to wait quietly as I finish with the last minute load-ups. So much more peaceful for everyone!



• When I was nursing Elijah, C would try to push him off my lap, lay on top of him, hit him, throw things at his head...you get the picture. Now he kisses Elijah's head! What a change! (Or I play catch with C while nursing Eli...a skill that has earned me a spot in that boy's heart!)



• One of the hardest things about our situation in general was that Kevan was monitoring visits between C and his dad, taking up about 8 hours of his week. That was time spent away from me and the kids, during an already tumultuous time in our home, and the visits themselves were extremely emotionally taxing. Now, our social workers are doing most of the visits, and Kevan is down to 3 hours a week...much better! (We do see the value in Kevan meeting up with C's dad, and good things are coming of that I think...but 8 hours was just too much!!)
  

So we stop and take stock of the victories. Some days - many days - are still pelted with tough, tough moments. But we ARE seeing progress. And don't be mistaken, the changes in C are probably second to the changes happening in me and Kevan. God is at work in us and through us. Never have I been more minute-by-minute dependent on Him (oooh, patience and self control are hard for me too!) and - as Kevan put it - never have we been more aware of the flesh and the spirit at war in us. It's a good place to be, abiding in Christ, taking refuge in His covering, tucking myself close to him, and leaning in to listen to the Spirit over the chaos and confusion of my daily life.

There are a few things that I am overwhelmingly thankful for as we've walked this road:

• Our kids (even beat-up-on Elijah) ADORE little C. It's weird, really. Ezekiel will take a hit from this guy, look a little surprised, then giggle, tickle him and give him a hug. They always ask about him when he's gone at visits, and run to him when he gets home. They are patient with him beyond my wildest expectations. Of course, they all have their moments, but in general they really get along great.



• KEVAN. I love this man. This has not been easy on him. But he perseveres beautifully. When he stumbles under the weight of frustration, he pulls himself back up again, looks straight into God's word for direction, and obeys. He chooses to do what is right, not what is easy and not what he feels like. He is a daily example and encouragement to me.



• And, call me one proud mama, but Elijah has got to be the easiest baby on God's green earth. This child amazes me. And, honestly, if he were not so darn adorable, happy, and content to just sit there and smile at nothing I probably would have lost my mind by now. Not only is he easy to care for, but he is the source of SO MUCH joy in my life. God gave us the kids we needed to take on the job He had for us!
  
  

Now, this part is more for me than for you. But if you're especially interested in the practicals of foster parenting, keep reading. When Team Plumb has come together, regrouped, and walked away with renewed purpose (in other words, date night), here are some of the tactics we've come up with to peacefully transition C into our home:

• We put him back on a bottle. I know that sounds silly, since he is plenty old enough to drink from a sippy. But sucking is a naturally soothing thing, and it gave us more opportunity to rock him and make eye contact. It's worked great. Weaning him off the bottle is the least of my worries right now.



• We look for every opportunity to make skin-to-skin contact. Lotion after bathtime, back rubs during side-by-side play, touching his head as he walks by...these all seem to help make him feel wanted, loved, and research shows that physical contact can actually help heal the brain. Amazing.



• Rocking. This took some time. At first we couldn't even make it through one song before he wanted to wiggle off my lap. Now he asks to sit and snuggle with me, and will rock for several songs (as of this week!). (Rocking also helps with brain development.)



• Explain, explain, explain. This kid understands A LOT. And the more we communicate with him, the better he handles change.


• Pump It Up and Pandora. I'm only half kidding when I say they've changed our life. Weekly family outings to Pump It Up = fun for the whole family, bonding, and lots of smiles. Pandora has brought endless worship music into our home, creating a backdrop of peace and perspective.



• Praying with him, for him. C hears our heart, God changes our heart.

Thank you for journeying with us. We cannot stress enough how much we appreciate - and rely on - your prayers, offers to help, and words of encouragement. God has appointed many to this ministry, and we are all making a difference in this little one's life.

Elijah = Cuteness.

"A dragon like Everett's"

Ezekiel has wanted a "dragon like Everett's" in the worst way. So he did little chores for us (and grandma!) and saved his quarters (plus he opted to save some money Nana sent him, instead of buying ice cream). Today he took his piggie bank (the cashew can) and traded in his hard earned money for his new toy. I'm so proud of him...and love that he is sleeping with that dragon now!

On another, not-so-fun note, please be praying for our family. I really don't know how much to say here - nor do I even have the energy to try to explain everything - but we are really struggling with our foster care situation. It is waaaay harder than we expected and the "honeymoon" period has definitely worn off. The endless tantrums, along with an incredibly taxing visitation schedule with C's dad, is definitely taking it's toll on us. Please pray for wisdom, patience, and that God would restore peace to our home in a way that is honoring to Himself. Thank you!

My guy.

A few fun things from my super-fun-these-days 4-year-old:

• Pulling into our street yesterday he said, "We're home mom! This is OUR town." I think he got that from the Montgomery-Gentry song. =)
• Yesterday he came in from playing in the backyard and said "Mom, baby is playing with Fluffy." "Who's Fluffy?," I ask. A bit exasperated he tells me (as if I should know). "It's our pet elephant. And she is getting water everywhere." A quick glance outside tells me that, apparently, our hose is now an elephant. What kind of elephant is named Fluffy? (I secretly reaaalllly love the imagination behind this!)
• Tonight Ezekiel made me "Orange Spectacular." It consisted of orange slices, frozen peas, and a bit of tortilla all mixed up together. He made it himself and he said he's going to sell it at his restaurant. And it was, um, spectacular. I loved the thought and effort he put into his little creation. =)
• "Peacocks are good." - Random thought from Ezekiel Plumb as we're driving.
• It's hard to capture the sweet things Ezekiel says to Bekah Jane, Elijah, and even to little C living with us. He's absolutely in love with Elijah and is constantly telling him "You're my best brother" and "I'm here, I'm here, I'll take care of you." (He will also play with Elijah for upwards of an hour, entertaining him and making him laugh. I love this!). He tells his sister "I love you" all the time, usually followed by "Let me give you a big hug." And to C he'll say "I love you. You're my best friend." (Bekah Jane and Elijah get the "best friend" title many times too). I love the sweet spirit God has given my boy!

I threw perfect out the window.

Disclaimer: I should soooo be cleaning my house. Or sleeping. But I need to process, so writing it is. And chocolate. Thanks to my super-husband, who left a lovely box of chocolates in my car along with an equally lovely card, I am set. Definitely a dark chocolate kind of night. None of that sissy stuff.

Where to begin? How about this: My standards have lowered. In a good sort of way, I think. And I don't think they will stay quite this low, but hopefully the attitude of "focus on what's truly important" is a keeper. They've lowered partly by choice (I really don't want to be a control-freak constantly busying myself with appearing as if I have everything together), and partly by sheer necessity. As in, I just simply DON'T have everything together!! And if I'm going to stay afloat something's gotta give. So right now that means my house. I'm getting the kids in bed by 8 and I am DONE. Totally, completely exhausted. A few nights I've even gone straight to bed right after them! Cuz, guess what, it starts all over again bright and early in the morning!

Last Saturday I remember thinking I was having a pretty darn good day. Lots of time playing with the kids, no big issues, pretty much a happy home. Then I looked down at 4 pm and realized I was still in my jammies. Whatever, sometimes you have to redefine success.

We are going on 2 weeks with 4 kiddos age 4 and under in our home. Not to be dramatic, but I'm tired just writing that sentence. I KNOW that one day will come when this will not seem all that challenging (just like you get used to 1, and 2, and 3 babies...the day does come!), but all I know is IT IS NOT TODAY.

I feel like wearing a sign, or telling every one I see, "I have 4 kids, you know!" as if that explains everything from my impatience to my dirty car. As if I'm the only one with a challenge on my plate. Lame, I know. But I want to be completely honest here (so as not to appear like I have it all together!) and admit that most everything seems like a huge deal right now.

We went from a family of 5 to a fam of 6 on Valentine's day when our newest little foster baby came to stay. For now, I'll call him C. He's 16 months old and cute as can be! We are thrilled to have him. The kids adore him. And we're pretty much scared to death of falling in love with him. We don't know how long C will be with us, although it's likely to be several months, and then he just may go back to his dad.

So we are walking that road that we've been hypothetically trying to figure out how to walk for over a year now: How do you love a child with everything you have (which is the kind of parental, pour-out-your-heart, allow-myself-to-bond-with-you kind of love that he needs) and not completely lose it if he leaves?

We are already falling for this kid. And Kevan spends hours every week trying to help C's dad get him back. What a conflict of emotions. What a counter-intuitive thing to do. No wonder we are exhausted.

This is not the way families are supposed to be. Babies are supposed to be born into loving, nurturing arms and remain in the care of adoring parents. But sometimes it is much, much more complicated and messy than that. And God has led us to be a part of this very complicated, messy thing. We have no idea how it will end. But we do know this: God has led us here, and He will carry us through. And, if we keep our eyes on Him, He will do great things through us while we are here. That is our hope; that is our prayer.

The words are starting to blur together. I've eaten 2 fabulous pieces of chocolate. I think I need to call it a night. More on all this later, I'm sure. But here's a summary: We are tired. We are blessed. We are completely fulfilled. We are changing day-by-day as the Spirit works within us. And we are thankful for HELP.

Good night!

My girl.

Rebekah Jane,

You should have been asleep long ago, but last time I peeked you were playing with your bunny - holding it up by it's little arms and pretending it was dancing on your tummy. I couldn't hear for sure, but I'm nearly certain you were whisper-singing a little song to go along with the dance, one that you made up all on your own with silly words and lots of high, drawn-out notes. You are unbelievably cute.

Your 3rd birthday has come and gone and I've been thinking about this little letter quite a bit. I've been waiting for just the right window to sit down and jot my feelings towards you, to put into words the joy that you bring to our lives.

I love how 3 brought with it a dancing, singing, tip-toe walking ballerina. I love how you always have a song in your heart and you will sing it loud and proud from the fireplace hearth (I mean, your stage) to anyone willing to sit on the couch and listen. I love how you usually say, "Your turn, Mom" and nod me onto the stage next. And then - and this is truly my favorite part - your eyes sparkle as you clap with joy and say "Good job Mom!!" as if I just gave the finest performance you'd ever seen.

Thanks for inviting me to play with you. Even if I do have to be the wolf sometimes, I love that you want me to be your playmate.

Even though we have fun picking out your outfits (you always want to know "This match, Mama?"), I can't seem to keep you in them very long. If you had it your way, you'd wear a costume all day, every day. Tinkerbell and Snow White are your costumes of choice and, yes, I've let you wear them the grocery store and the bank.

I love how, whenever you get a gift or receive an act of kindness, you squeal "For ME?!?" followed by "THANK YOU Mama!" (Or brother, or whoever). Today we were talking about how you may one day grow up and marry someone wonderful like daddy and become a mommy too. You were thrilled with this idea, placed your hands over your heart and said "For ME?!? I get to be the mommy?? THANK YOU Mama!"

We've had our ups and downs this past year, baby girl. You remind me of the poem about the little girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead. When things are good, they are really good, and when they are bad they are....well, certainly not pretty. Funny thing is, when we come out of a rough patch and re-enter the glory days, I can hardly remember what had me so concerned about you. I see the sweet and amazing qualities rise to the top and they snuff out any memory of your moodiness. God is so merciful to us in that way, baby. When we are His, we don't have to sit in our sin - He pulls us from the mire and makes us new creatures, without even a trace of our old self to remember us by. How I pray that you will one day soon be His.

That you would come to know and love Jesus at a young age, and that you would find and marry a man like daddy (one day!) - that is what I pray for you the most. And for loyal, life-long, Godly friends. I pray often for that, too.

You take my breath away with how beautiful you are. I still look at you and wonder - all the time - how you are mine. God has made you this way, created you just how He wants you. But remember baby, while others may judge you by your outward appearance, God is much more concerned with the condition of your heart. Beauty, true beauty, comes from a heart transformed by God.

So, here you are, 3 years old, and I'm still pinching myself that I get to be your mama. I love that you're my girl and - at least for now - I love that you're my only girl. It's me and you and all these boys, and we do pretty good being girls together, don't we baby?

I love, love, love you, my Rebekah Jane.

Royalty

The other night, after we read our Bible story, Bekah Jane tapped her index finger against her chin and said, "Soooo...if Jesus is King....then I can be the PRINCESS!!"

That's right, baby girl. You can be His Princess, a daughter of the God Most High...the King of Kings. (But I don't think we have a costume for that...it's more like dress-up for the heart!).

6 Months!

Somehow, my newborn baby has turned 6 months. I cannot believe how fast this time goes by! Everyday I still have those moments when I pick him up from a nap, sit down to nurse him, or laugh at his great whole-face smile...and I can't believe God loaned him out to me (If I were God, I would have kept him all to myself!). I LOVE having a baby in the house. And I love the baby God gave us. He is a deliciously chubby little joy-giver.

And, just for fun, here is big brother Ezekiel at 6 months! We can't get over how much Eli reminds us of Ezekiel. What do you think?

Melt my heart.

Quick follow-up from my last post:

Tonight, as I was finishing tucking Bekah Jane into bed, she said to me "Pray more, mama."
"More?" I asked her, "Is there somthing specific you want me to pray for?"
"Yes," she said, "Pray for Destiny."

Wow. Mind you, Bekah Jane was not the biggest fan of Destiny. I was incredibly touched that she was moved to pray for her, without any prompting from me. Thank you, God, for this little glimpse of you at work in my daughter's heart!

What we've been waiting for!

After 15 months of training, praying, preparing, and wondering...here is the blessing that came from it all:

This is Airiis.

And this is her big sister, Destiny.

And, for 6 days, we got to take care of them, love them, and do our darndest to show them Jesus!

This sweet baby girl (pronounced "Iris") captured our hearts immediately. She was an absoulte JOY...and to be honest it hurts my heart a little to even look at these pictures. Geez...it was only 6 days...but, man, can you fall in love with a child in 6 days! Kevan put it this way: "I don't really start bonding with our kids until after they are born, so getting Airiis felt like bringing one of our babies home from the hospital. And then giving her back felt like handing over our 6-day-old baby to a complete stranger." Not to mention, she was absolutely angelic in every way...yeah, we miss her!!

Airiis and Elijah are only 8 days apart! We had two 5-month old babies!

And, THIS is how your car looks when you have two 5-month olds, two 3-year olds, one 4-year old, and an extra 7-year-old cousin (who spent one night with us while her mom and dad went away for their anniversary...and was SUPER helpful!):
We took the kids to go look at Christmas lights one night and decided to get the older ones hot chocolate from Starbucks when we ordered our coffees. Yeah, there were a few spills, but they loved it!

When the girls first arrived, Airiis didn't smile for a couple days. Here she is on day 3...wow, a different girl!

We even braved a Pump-it-up birthday party and Home Group at the Zuniga's one night (in the pouring rain!). It was nothing short of an adventure...but we did it!

Here's the "twins" at Home Group:

And Super Man at Pump-it-up! (Kind of a goofy picture of the Babe, but he's Super Man none the less!)

Bekah Jane and Destiny...we bought Destiny this little outfit to go to church on the Sunday before Christmas with us. She and Bekah Jane looked so cute together!

So, what was it like? It was wonderful, and reaaallly hard, and completely and utterly fulfilling and joy-giving, and surreal. And that just about scratches the surface of describing this experience.

On Friday night, December 17th, when it was raining cats and dogs, I got the call from our social worker. It was a 5-minute conversation in which she told me these two girls were in the process of being removed from their home and they needed somewhere to go immediately. It only took a second for me to agree that we should take them...this was exactly the call we'd been waiting for. Kevan was at work and since I can't usually get a hold of him at work, we had already agreed that I could make these decisions without talking to him first. Thankfully, he happened to call about an hour later and I was able to tell him that two more little ones would be sleeping under our roof when he got home! (PS: You would have thought I told him he just won the lotto.) And, two hours after getting the call, these sweet little girls arrived on my doorstep.

What an incredibly weird and surreal moment that is. And it is EXACTLY like you probably picture it (at least it was for us!). I'd wondered if maybe we'd made it more dramatic in our heads....what it would be like when the kids first showed up. But, reality proved to be just as heart-wrenching and emotional as we'd ever imagined. Destiny stood there with her hood pulled way up over her head, looking very shy and scared. When she saw the kids behind me, she got braver and walked in and said "Hi, I'm Destiny!". I melted. The social workers were super frazzled and left a small backpack with barely anything in it, and very little information on the girls. And then they were gone, and I was left with 5 kids all wondering what in the world was going on!

Thankfully (and I can't emphasize my gratitude enough!!), my mom came and stayed that first night. I seriously don't know what I would have done without her. The girls arrived at bedtime, so we gave all the kids a few minutes to play and then started to get everyone ready for bed. It was chaos. Both babies were crying and mom was tending to them. I managed to get Ezekiel and Bekah Jane in bed, but all hell broke lose when I suggested that Destiny crawl in her comfy pink bed. This girl was terrified and it was absolutely heart-breaking. She cried and cried for her mama, her poor little body just shaking. She seemed to cling to my mom right away, and that first night Destiny slept on the couch with my mom snuggled up next to her.

We had several more experiences like that with Destiny, some stemming from her heart-breaking fear and grief, and others stemming from her anger and defiance - both resulting in us holding her tight, reassuring her that we love her and would take care of her. It was really, really hard. And sometimes Kevan and I didn't always see eye-to-eye. Which made it messy. It proved that there are some things you simply can't prepare for, and that you have to learn as you go. But we were figuring it out together and, at the end of every day, we knew we'd made a good team.

It was the kind of experience that made us fail to recognize the record-breaking rain or the fact that ordinary people were out hustling and bustling doing last-minute Christmas shopping. I felt like I was in an alternate universe, with tunnel vision to just keep my head above water and care for these 5 tiny people. It required everything I had, in every way possible, and as exhausting as that sounds....it was amazing.

At the end of every day, I was so completely fulfilled and could rejoice at all that God was doing. There was victory every day...because every day involved battle! And God was so good to reveal Himself to us throughout the day, reminding me that He had prepared us for this very thing, and that He would sustain us. We felt the prayers of so many! And we KNEW that we were not doing this alone! In both a spiritual sense - through the power of prayer - and in a physical way - through TONS of hands-on help - we knew there was a team of people caring for these precious girls.

Their time with us was much shorter than we expected, but our peace comes from trusting that God remains in control of their lives. And we will continue to pray for them, since they have permanently left their imprint on our hearts. We eagerly await our next foster placement (AFTER my trip up to visit Kristen in Washington!), and can't wait to see what God has in store for us next! (And I'm sure you won't get a post like this with every placement but, hey, the first one is a big deal!!)

If you feel compelled to pray for us, please pray specifically:

1.) For our kids. The most difficult part of this placement was the dynamics between our kids and Destiny. After the novelty of a "new friend" wore off, they really had a hard time getting along. We did not expect this because our kids love to play with everyone! But, of course, this was a completely different situation than what they were used to. Please pray that God prepares them to welcome the next kids that come into our home, that they would be full of love and forbearance, and that Kevan and I would have the wisdom to coach them through these experiences.

2.) For unity in our marriage. Our first go-round was a huge boost in our confidence that God can unite us and make us stronger in this endeavor (even though we were not always on the same page, we loved the process of learning together!). Please pray that God keeps us united and strong as a couple!

I leave you with this sweet and funny story: One morning while the girls were with us, Bekah Jane crawled in my bed while the others were still asleep. She says quietly, "Mama, my friend is mad." "Mad?," I ask, "Why?" "Because she wants her daddy." My heart sank a little when I realized even my 2-year-old was aware of the deep emotions Destiny was going through. Then Bekah Jane looked around the bed and realized Kevan was not there "HEY!" she said with her little lip pouting, "I want my dad too!!" "Um, honey," I tell her, "Your dad just went to run an errand. He'll be right back." "Oh."