Mother's Day Reality

"When I hold him exhausted from the day's work and the disturbed nights, there is a deep relief and pleasure at finding myself able to give - again and again - what's needed: bottles, changes, attention. I've at last found the good mother within me, the ability to put someone else's needs before my own, and he's so beautiful it feels like a privilege." - Jean Radford, Balancing Acts

I guess you could say my first Mother's Day was not all I had imagined. The unraveling of expectations began on Friday night when Kevan came home from work having trouble breathing. His cold had worsened over the last couple of days, and we headed off to urgent care to figure out what was going on. A few hours and 2 antibiotics later, we knew he was battling pneumonia. Saturday morning started at 5 a.m. when my son decided he was done sleeping (what happened to 7 or 8?!). The problem was, I had just started sleeping, since poor Kevan was up coughing all night. By 10 a.m. I knew for sure that our weekend plans to go to Santa Barbara and stay at a bed and breakfast were long gone. Fighting off dissapointment, I called the B&B to cancel only to be reminded that our room was non refundable. Awesome. (Let me tell you, I was determined to get my money's worth anyway, so I day dreamed about that trip all day- right down to the scrumptious breakfast we were supposed to have this morning!). The rest of the day was spent trying to get our son to nap, worrying that he was getting sick too, and disinfecting everything I could get my hands on.

So... today was not all that much different. Although Ezekiel slept much better (yay!) and was happy all day (a great gift to mama), there were still sheets and towels to wash, toys to clean, and plenty to do to help Kevan. When my husband woke up this morning, still feeling half dead, he gave me the biggest hug he could muster and said "Happy Mother's Day. I'm so sorry I couldn't do anything big." I told him the first thing that came to my mind "I've already recieved the greatest gift - our beautiful son." And that is when I realized that this was the best Mother's Day ever. It is the first time I've celebrated the day as a MOTHER. It is not about the cards (though they are wonderful), or the acknowlegement (boy, is it nice to hear), or even the sentimental gifts. It is about recognizing the gift that was given to me on August 23, and how every day I am privileged to rise above myself and take care of him - when it's easy and when it's really not so fun at all. It's about seeing who I really am when I look at him, and striving to better myself so that I can be the kind of mother I want to be. Even though we couldn't even go to church, I had a wonderful time of devotion this morning reading Titus 2 and was reminded of qualities I want to exemplify as a mom. (Did you know self-control is mentioned 4 times in that chapter?)

By 2 o'clock today, I was pretty sure I am coming down with whatever Kevan is fighting and neither one of us had much energy to take care of our baby. We managed to tag team and keep him happy and playing, and I just kept looking at him thinking about how amazing he is. Big ol' eyes, little curls sticking out like wings from his sweaty head, and his spontaneous giggling fits - how could I love anything more? We ended the day watching the video of when our son was born, and I relished in hearing his first cry one more time. That is when motherhood began for me, and today was just one more day I was blessed to be Ezekiel's mama.