Crazy Love: Our decision to Adopt

Let me just start out this post by saying "I am tired." As in really, really tired. I think having a 3 year old, a 2 year old, and growing a baby in your belly will do that to you. At least it does to me.

So the thought of adopting another child - at this very moment - is not all butterflies and rainbows. It actually just makes me more tired.

"My heart and my flesh fail, but God is the strength of my heart of my portion forever." (Psalm 73:26).

In the flesh, adoption feels like an overwhelming undertaking at times. And I guess that is why I chose now to tell a chapter of our story. Because now is the real stuff, the doubt, the questioning. Am I capable? Can I really find the energy, the strength, the creativity to mother this unique little brood? And the answers are so glaringly obvious: NO. Not on my own strength; not by my own willpower or sheer determination. Not by sleeping less, sleeping more, or carving out more "me time." ONLY by relying on the Lord, and looking to Him for strength and wisdom, sustenance and grace. And seeking His will in each decision we make in this faith walk. Isn't that true for every God-honoring mama? Because my heart and my flesh WILL fail...and He alone will strengthen me.

Rather than tell our entire up-to-this-point adoption story in one blog post, I am going to let you read the most current chapter. And I'm sure there will be many more posts to come sharing the back story of how God brought us to this point.

As of today, Kevan and I are about 9 weeks away from completing our certification for foster care. Yep, 9 weeks. The significance of that number is that I am also 9 weeks away from delivering our 3rd baby. God, in His super-funny timing, is allowing two dreams of ours to come to fruition riiiight around the same time.

Here's how it happened: We began the certification process to adopt from the foster care system last September. We had always planned to adopt (insert a really great, soon-to-come back story), and felt it was a matter of the Lord's timing. After our first attempt at international adoption was waylaid by Kevan's deployment to Iraq, we began our crazy baby-making journey when hubby got home from war and trusted that God would reveal the right time for us to -once again - begin the adoption process.

After our last miscarriage in September of 2008, we decided we would try for one year for another baby and then start adopting if pregnancy did not happen. This was not much of a leap of faith, since our previous 5 pregnancies seemed to happen if we even breathed the word. But, month after month, we marveled and wondered at what God was doing as we remained a family of 4 and no baby on the way.

In September of 2009 - now we're nearly to our one-year-of-trying-for-a-baby mark - my mom sent us some info about an adoption seminar focusing on the California foster care system. Even though we were still pretty intent on adopting internationally, I sent the info to Kevan. That night, he told me that he'd been thinking about adopting from here in the states, and that he couldn't seem to shake the thought that we should at least look into it. I confessed I'd had the same nagging feeling. Neither one of us had mentioned it before that point.

So, with minds wide open - and basically no clue about what it meant to adopt domestically - we attended this one day event. All I can say about that day is that I felt the presence of God. It was like no one else was in that packed church, and that God was speaking directly to me and Kevan as we both leaned forward in our seats and absorbed every word. After hours of listening - and barely saying a word to each other - they dismissed us to go meet with the agencies represented. We turned to each other in that pew and the words came pouring out. It was incredible to hear how the Lord had spoke to each of our hearts in the same way, how our thoughts aligned, and how we were nervous, excited, and saddened by the same things. It literally took all of 10 minutes before we knew we were in the right place and that we needed to keep taking steps toward adopting a foster child.

We chose our agency, Koinonia - which we LOVE, by the way - and began asking a million questions. We began our training and got VERY excited about where God was taking this little family. And then....we got pregnant.

Attending adoption training classes while you are pregnant is a funny thing. So is explaining to your doctor why you need him to fill out a medical evaluation stating that I'm healthy enough to adopt. But Kevan and I knew that this pregnancy was an awesome and amazing blessing from God, and that it did not change our desire to adopt. It changed the timing a bit, but not the desire.

So, here we are, frantically trying to finish our mounds of paperwork. The deal is, you must have your certification within one year of beginning the process or you start to loose your credits. We are talking hours and hours of time already invested into this process. We started last September. Our baby is due in July. That means we would have about 6 weeks after the baby is born to wrap up the certification process if we put it off until after the birth. Two toddlers and a new baby? I reaalllly don't think I'll be diving into that paperwork prior to 6 weeks postpartum. So, that leaves us with NOW. Get it done before the baby comes and have it ready and waiting for when the time is right.

And, timing, my friends, is an area we desperately need wisdom. When is the right time to start welcoming a foster child - or two - into our home? I am pleading with the Lord to show us, and for us to exercise wisdom in our decision. We are excited, and we can hardly wait to meet the child God has hand-picked for our family. But we also have 3 other babies to think about, and our own sanity and stability as a family - and as a couple.

Throughout the pregnancy, I have known the inexplicable joy of carrying my own ever-so-wanted baby, coupled with the growing excitement of adopting an ever-so-wanted child. What a unique feeling, and I thank God that this pregnancy has only strengthened our desire to adopt. But, right now, as I feel the weight of sleepless nights, mounds of paperwork, hormonal imbalance, and 2 hands-on pre-schoolers, the whole things feels crazy. But I must be a fan of crazy because, somehow, it still feels right. (And, hey, marrying Kevan was crazy and that has worked out crazy- beautifully!) So I continue to take this journey in faith, and trust that God - who is a God of wonders - will reveal to us His perfect timing and we will know His perfect peace.

PS: As you can imagine, there is a WHOLE lot more to this story so, if you have specific questions, please leave them in your comment and I will address those first!