I threw perfect out the window.

Disclaimer: I should soooo be cleaning my house. Or sleeping. But I need to process, so writing it is. And chocolate. Thanks to my super-husband, who left a lovely box of chocolates in my car along with an equally lovely card, I am set. Definitely a dark chocolate kind of night. None of that sissy stuff.

Where to begin? How about this: My standards have lowered. In a good sort of way, I think. And I don't think they will stay quite this low, but hopefully the attitude of "focus on what's truly important" is a keeper. They've lowered partly by choice (I really don't want to be a control-freak constantly busying myself with appearing as if I have everything together), and partly by sheer necessity. As in, I just simply DON'T have everything together!! And if I'm going to stay afloat something's gotta give. So right now that means my house. I'm getting the kids in bed by 8 and I am DONE. Totally, completely exhausted. A few nights I've even gone straight to bed right after them! Cuz, guess what, it starts all over again bright and early in the morning!

Last Saturday I remember thinking I was having a pretty darn good day. Lots of time playing with the kids, no big issues, pretty much a happy home. Then I looked down at 4 pm and realized I was still in my jammies. Whatever, sometimes you have to redefine success.

We are going on 2 weeks with 4 kiddos age 4 and under in our home. Not to be dramatic, but I'm tired just writing that sentence. I KNOW that one day will come when this will not seem all that challenging (just like you get used to 1, and 2, and 3 babies...the day does come!), but all I know is IT IS NOT TODAY.

I feel like wearing a sign, or telling every one I see, "I have 4 kids, you know!" as if that explains everything from my impatience to my dirty car. As if I'm the only one with a challenge on my plate. Lame, I know. But I want to be completely honest here (so as not to appear like I have it all together!) and admit that most everything seems like a huge deal right now.

We went from a family of 5 to a fam of 6 on Valentine's day when our newest little foster baby came to stay. For now, I'll call him C. He's 16 months old and cute as can be! We are thrilled to have him. The kids adore him. And we're pretty much scared to death of falling in love with him. We don't know how long C will be with us, although it's likely to be several months, and then he just may go back to his dad.

So we are walking that road that we've been hypothetically trying to figure out how to walk for over a year now: How do you love a child with everything you have (which is the kind of parental, pour-out-your-heart, allow-myself-to-bond-with-you kind of love that he needs) and not completely lose it if he leaves?

We are already falling for this kid. And Kevan spends hours every week trying to help C's dad get him back. What a conflict of emotions. What a counter-intuitive thing to do. No wonder we are exhausted.

This is not the way families are supposed to be. Babies are supposed to be born into loving, nurturing arms and remain in the care of adoring parents. But sometimes it is much, much more complicated and messy than that. And God has led us to be a part of this very complicated, messy thing. We have no idea how it will end. But we do know this: God has led us here, and He will carry us through. And, if we keep our eyes on Him, He will do great things through us while we are here. That is our hope; that is our prayer.

The words are starting to blur together. I've eaten 2 fabulous pieces of chocolate. I think I need to call it a night. More on all this later, I'm sure. But here's a summary: We are tired. We are blessed. We are completely fulfilled. We are changing day-by-day as the Spirit works within us. And we are thankful for HELP.

Good night!

My girl.

Rebekah Jane,

You should have been asleep long ago, but last time I peeked you were playing with your bunny - holding it up by it's little arms and pretending it was dancing on your tummy. I couldn't hear for sure, but I'm nearly certain you were whisper-singing a little song to go along with the dance, one that you made up all on your own with silly words and lots of high, drawn-out notes. You are unbelievably cute.

Your 3rd birthday has come and gone and I've been thinking about this little letter quite a bit. I've been waiting for just the right window to sit down and jot my feelings towards you, to put into words the joy that you bring to our lives.

I love how 3 brought with it a dancing, singing, tip-toe walking ballerina. I love how you always have a song in your heart and you will sing it loud and proud from the fireplace hearth (I mean, your stage) to anyone willing to sit on the couch and listen. I love how you usually say, "Your turn, Mom" and nod me onto the stage next. And then - and this is truly my favorite part - your eyes sparkle as you clap with joy and say "Good job Mom!!" as if I just gave the finest performance you'd ever seen.

Thanks for inviting me to play with you. Even if I do have to be the wolf sometimes, I love that you want me to be your playmate.

Even though we have fun picking out your outfits (you always want to know "This match, Mama?"), I can't seem to keep you in them very long. If you had it your way, you'd wear a costume all day, every day. Tinkerbell and Snow White are your costumes of choice and, yes, I've let you wear them the grocery store and the bank.

I love how, whenever you get a gift or receive an act of kindness, you squeal "For ME?!?" followed by "THANK YOU Mama!" (Or brother, or whoever). Today we were talking about how you may one day grow up and marry someone wonderful like daddy and become a mommy too. You were thrilled with this idea, placed your hands over your heart and said "For ME?!? I get to be the mommy?? THANK YOU Mama!"

We've had our ups and downs this past year, baby girl. You remind me of the poem about the little girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead. When things are good, they are really good, and when they are bad they are....well, certainly not pretty. Funny thing is, when we come out of a rough patch and re-enter the glory days, I can hardly remember what had me so concerned about you. I see the sweet and amazing qualities rise to the top and they snuff out any memory of your moodiness. God is so merciful to us in that way, baby. When we are His, we don't have to sit in our sin - He pulls us from the mire and makes us new creatures, without even a trace of our old self to remember us by. How I pray that you will one day soon be His.

That you would come to know and love Jesus at a young age, and that you would find and marry a man like daddy (one day!) - that is what I pray for you the most. And for loyal, life-long, Godly friends. I pray often for that, too.

You take my breath away with how beautiful you are. I still look at you and wonder - all the time - how you are mine. God has made you this way, created you just how He wants you. But remember baby, while others may judge you by your outward appearance, God is much more concerned with the condition of your heart. Beauty, true beauty, comes from a heart transformed by God.

So, here you are, 3 years old, and I'm still pinching myself that I get to be your mama. I love that you're my girl and - at least for now - I love that you're my only girl. It's me and you and all these boys, and we do pretty good being girls together, don't we baby?

I love, love, love you, my Rebekah Jane.

Royalty

The other night, after we read our Bible story, Bekah Jane tapped her index finger against her chin and said, "Soooo...if Jesus is King....then I can be the PRINCESS!!"

That's right, baby girl. You can be His Princess, a daughter of the God Most High...the King of Kings. (But I don't think we have a costume for that...it's more like dress-up for the heart!).

6 Months!

Somehow, my newborn baby has turned 6 months. I cannot believe how fast this time goes by! Everyday I still have those moments when I pick him up from a nap, sit down to nurse him, or laugh at his great whole-face smile...and I can't believe God loaned him out to me (If I were God, I would have kept him all to myself!). I LOVE having a baby in the house. And I love the baby God gave us. He is a deliciously chubby little joy-giver.

And, just for fun, here is big brother Ezekiel at 6 months! We can't get over how much Eli reminds us of Ezekiel. What do you think?

Melt my heart.

Quick follow-up from my last post:

Tonight, as I was finishing tucking Bekah Jane into bed, she said to me "Pray more, mama."
"More?" I asked her, "Is there somthing specific you want me to pray for?"
"Yes," she said, "Pray for Destiny."

Wow. Mind you, Bekah Jane was not the biggest fan of Destiny. I was incredibly touched that she was moved to pray for her, without any prompting from me. Thank you, God, for this little glimpse of you at work in my daughter's heart!

What we've been waiting for!

After 15 months of training, praying, preparing, and wondering...here is the blessing that came from it all:

This is Airiis.

And this is her big sister, Destiny.

And, for 6 days, we got to take care of them, love them, and do our darndest to show them Jesus!

This sweet baby girl (pronounced "Iris") captured our hearts immediately. She was an absoulte JOY...and to be honest it hurts my heart a little to even look at these pictures. Geez...it was only 6 days...but, man, can you fall in love with a child in 6 days! Kevan put it this way: "I don't really start bonding with our kids until after they are born, so getting Airiis felt like bringing one of our babies home from the hospital. And then giving her back felt like handing over our 6-day-old baby to a complete stranger." Not to mention, she was absolutely angelic in every way...yeah, we miss her!!

Airiis and Elijah are only 8 days apart! We had two 5-month old babies!

And, THIS is how your car looks when you have two 5-month olds, two 3-year olds, one 4-year old, and an extra 7-year-old cousin (who spent one night with us while her mom and dad went away for their anniversary...and was SUPER helpful!):
We took the kids to go look at Christmas lights one night and decided to get the older ones hot chocolate from Starbucks when we ordered our coffees. Yeah, there were a few spills, but they loved it!

When the girls first arrived, Airiis didn't smile for a couple days. Here she is on day 3...wow, a different girl!

We even braved a Pump-it-up birthday party and Home Group at the Zuniga's one night (in the pouring rain!). It was nothing short of an adventure...but we did it!

Here's the "twins" at Home Group:

And Super Man at Pump-it-up! (Kind of a goofy picture of the Babe, but he's Super Man none the less!)

Bekah Jane and Destiny...we bought Destiny this little outfit to go to church on the Sunday before Christmas with us. She and Bekah Jane looked so cute together!

So, what was it like? It was wonderful, and reaaallly hard, and completely and utterly fulfilling and joy-giving, and surreal. And that just about scratches the surface of describing this experience.

On Friday night, December 17th, when it was raining cats and dogs, I got the call from our social worker. It was a 5-minute conversation in which she told me these two girls were in the process of being removed from their home and they needed somewhere to go immediately. It only took a second for me to agree that we should take them...this was exactly the call we'd been waiting for. Kevan was at work and since I can't usually get a hold of him at work, we had already agreed that I could make these decisions without talking to him first. Thankfully, he happened to call about an hour later and I was able to tell him that two more little ones would be sleeping under our roof when he got home! (PS: You would have thought I told him he just won the lotto.) And, two hours after getting the call, these sweet little girls arrived on my doorstep.

What an incredibly weird and surreal moment that is. And it is EXACTLY like you probably picture it (at least it was for us!). I'd wondered if maybe we'd made it more dramatic in our heads....what it would be like when the kids first showed up. But, reality proved to be just as heart-wrenching and emotional as we'd ever imagined. Destiny stood there with her hood pulled way up over her head, looking very shy and scared. When she saw the kids behind me, she got braver and walked in and said "Hi, I'm Destiny!". I melted. The social workers were super frazzled and left a small backpack with barely anything in it, and very little information on the girls. And then they were gone, and I was left with 5 kids all wondering what in the world was going on!

Thankfully (and I can't emphasize my gratitude enough!!), my mom came and stayed that first night. I seriously don't know what I would have done without her. The girls arrived at bedtime, so we gave all the kids a few minutes to play and then started to get everyone ready for bed. It was chaos. Both babies were crying and mom was tending to them. I managed to get Ezekiel and Bekah Jane in bed, but all hell broke lose when I suggested that Destiny crawl in her comfy pink bed. This girl was terrified and it was absolutely heart-breaking. She cried and cried for her mama, her poor little body just shaking. She seemed to cling to my mom right away, and that first night Destiny slept on the couch with my mom snuggled up next to her.

We had several more experiences like that with Destiny, some stemming from her heart-breaking fear and grief, and others stemming from her anger and defiance - both resulting in us holding her tight, reassuring her that we love her and would take care of her. It was really, really hard. And sometimes Kevan and I didn't always see eye-to-eye. Which made it messy. It proved that there are some things you simply can't prepare for, and that you have to learn as you go. But we were figuring it out together and, at the end of every day, we knew we'd made a good team.

It was the kind of experience that made us fail to recognize the record-breaking rain or the fact that ordinary people were out hustling and bustling doing last-minute Christmas shopping. I felt like I was in an alternate universe, with tunnel vision to just keep my head above water and care for these 5 tiny people. It required everything I had, in every way possible, and as exhausting as that sounds....it was amazing.

At the end of every day, I was so completely fulfilled and could rejoice at all that God was doing. There was victory every day...because every day involved battle! And God was so good to reveal Himself to us throughout the day, reminding me that He had prepared us for this very thing, and that He would sustain us. We felt the prayers of so many! And we KNEW that we were not doing this alone! In both a spiritual sense - through the power of prayer - and in a physical way - through TONS of hands-on help - we knew there was a team of people caring for these precious girls.

Their time with us was much shorter than we expected, but our peace comes from trusting that God remains in control of their lives. And we will continue to pray for them, since they have permanently left their imprint on our hearts. We eagerly await our next foster placement (AFTER my trip up to visit Kristen in Washington!), and can't wait to see what God has in store for us next! (And I'm sure you won't get a post like this with every placement but, hey, the first one is a big deal!!)

If you feel compelled to pray for us, please pray specifically:

1.) For our kids. The most difficult part of this placement was the dynamics between our kids and Destiny. After the novelty of a "new friend" wore off, they really had a hard time getting along. We did not expect this because our kids love to play with everyone! But, of course, this was a completely different situation than what they were used to. Please pray that God prepares them to welcome the next kids that come into our home, that they would be full of love and forbearance, and that Kevan and I would have the wisdom to coach them through these experiences.

2.) For unity in our marriage. Our first go-round was a huge boost in our confidence that God can unite us and make us stronger in this endeavor (even though we were not always on the same page, we loved the process of learning together!). Please pray that God keeps us united and strong as a couple!

I leave you with this sweet and funny story: One morning while the girls were with us, Bekah Jane crawled in my bed while the others were still asleep. She says quietly, "Mama, my friend is mad." "Mad?," I ask, "Why?" "Because she wants her daddy." My heart sank a little when I realized even my 2-year-old was aware of the deep emotions Destiny was going through. Then Bekah Jane looked around the bed and realized Kevan was not there "HEY!" she said with her little lip pouting, "I want my dad too!!" "Um, honey," I tell her, "Your dad just went to run an errand. He'll be right back." "Oh."

Adoption Fire Drill

When I was 12, I wanted to get my ears pierced in the worst way. I begged and pleaded. I daydreamed about how wonderful my life would be if I could just have sparkly and glittery earrings.

Not too long after I went on the ear piercing crusade, I also wanted to learn karate. Even worse than I wanted my ears pierced. So, when my mom offered to let me start karate lessons - as long as I didn't pierce my ears - I took the deal. I remember her saying "You know, honey, if you're in karate, you can't have pierced ears" (she somehow convinced me that it would be dangerous...haha), and I distinctly remember thinking "Who cares about earrings?!? This is KARATE!"

And that is exactly how I felt today when we got the call from Koinonia asking us if we could take in 2 little boys. All of my current plans, expectations, and daydreams immediately paled compared to the prospect of caring for these boys. Who cares about decorating Elijah's nursery? Who cares about the never-ending piles of laundry? Who cares about holiday parties or vacation plans? These are KIDS! All of a sudden, everything else seemed a little lame.

In the end, we felt like that phone call was an "adoption fire drill" (as Heidi put it), testing our hearts and our willingness. Even though it is a couple months sooner than we were thinking, we eagerly said "Yes!" to the boys and immediately began figuring out how we could do it. After I spent the afternoon praying and anticipating, Koinonia ended up calling us back - pretty disappointed - saying that the kids were placed through another agency. It's good news that the boys found a home, but we were bummed. And then I was happy that we were bummed. Because it was such an honest reflection of our hearts. I love that the Lord gave us this little "trial run" to allow us to see - and understand - our own hearts. I think we were both a little surprised at how ready we felt, and how clear God made that decision for us.

Really, it was an amazing day for me. I had to wait several hours after getting the call to talk to Kevan, which gave me some pretty incredible time seeking the Lord. What He is teaching me right now is overwhelming and wonderful all at once, and I felt like it was rubber-hit-the-road kind of day. Do I really see Jesus as my Adonai, my master? Am I willing to live a surrendered life, poured out and emptied of self, as His bondservant? Do I trust His leadership? Am I taking shelter in His covering? Am I listening?

Am I willing to obey?

PS: I became a yellow belt in karate, and got my ears peirced when I was 13. =) Hopefully my commitment level has improved since jr. high!

Whatever is praiseworthy...

It's been a while since I've bragged on my husband. Not for lack of his wonderfulness, just a lack of time. =) But I cannot let this day pass without singing his praises. This is the stuff I want to remember; and when I write, I remember.

#27: The other night, Kevan and I watched some lame show on how People magazine chooses it's "Sexiest Man" winner (hey we were exhausted and it was mindless entertainment!). I couldn't help but think that my definition of "sexy" varies slightly from People. You know what's sexy? When you wake up feeling super rested, only to discover that your husband has been up with the baby for hours - and warmed up a bottle of frozen breast milk on his own accord - just to give you a night of blessed uninterrupted sleep. Put THAT man on the cover of a magazine! PS: Plus, he's hot.

#28: The way Kevan responded today when we got a call from Koinonia. I think that is a separate blog post, but I LOVE that he didn't even hesitate to say "YES!" when they asked us if we were willing to take in 2 boys. It would have been ok if he wanted to wait (we'd agreed to wait until Elijah was 6 months), but his excitement (even as we talked through all the "practical" stuff) was practically oozing out of him. Seeing him in that moment, completely surrendered as a father and leader of our home, willing to add more to his load, to step up to a bigger challenge, to pour out his life for another, again...that is the best version of my husband right there.

#29: I pretty much have never loved my husband more than when I am in labor. And it just gets better with every baby. He is the best coach EVER. With Elijah, I just kept thinking "If I can see Kevan, if I can look into his eyes, I can do this." If I took my eyes off him, I lost focus, started to panic. He is my anchor. He knows it, and takes that job very seriously. I want to have a hundred more babies just to keep sharing that experience with him (unfortunately, they make you take those babies home and raise them forever, so I probably won't be doing that.)

Wow, this is a good exercise. I am, once again, in awe of this man God has provided for me. And it is ONLY by God's grace that anything good is coming from our marriage. May HE be honored and glorified for His work in our lives!

Ezekiel's Animals

For several months now Ezekiel has been obsessed with animals. All day long, our conversations revolve around various animals and their eating habits, mostly. His favorite questions is: "Do (fill in the blank, whatever random animal pops in his head) eat people, or his own food?"

Like this: "Hey mom, do rhinos eat people? No? Oh! They eat their own food! Yeah, that's right. They're nice rhinos."

And, just for posterity, here are a few other classic Ezekiel animal statements I've heard lately:


E: Hey, mom, Can we go to China?
Me: Ummmm....why honey?
E: Well, they have panda bears.

E: I wish we had some pets in our house.
Me: Like what?
E: How 'bout a chameleon, and an anteater, and an armadillo, and a crocodile?
Me: Probably not, babe, crocodiles eat people.
E: Noooooo (with a nervous giggle)...they eat their own food!

"Mom, do lions eat people? (Before I can answer) Oh, yeah. Yeah, they do. But it was an accident."

E: Do dogs eat people?
Me: No, honey, not really.
E: Oh, they eat their own food? So they don't eat kids?
(Probably a good opportunity to explain the difference between "eating" and "biting"!)

E: Is there an elephant at the petting zoo?
Me: No, they are too big to pet. They could step on you.
E: (Pause) Ohhhh....I know! How about a baby elephant??

E: (Driving home at 11 p.m.) Can we go to the zoo?
Me: No, honey, the zoo is closed. All the animals are sleeping.
E: (Pause) How about we just stand at the gate and watch them sleep?

Me doing my hair in the morning, Ezekiel hopping into my bathroom: "Mom! Kangaroos live in Australia. And so do koalas and emus!"

I almost forgot!

One more thing about Elijah! And how I forgot to mention this, I don't know. It is pretty significant: This baby does not spit up!! Yippee! Coming off of two fountain-esque bambinos, I am pretty thrilled by my third - and cleanliest - child. Oh, to wear something more than once without having to wash it. The joy! The minimal laundry he creates! To hold my son after he eats without worrying if my jeans will be used as target practice for baby vomit. It is changing my life!

(Alas, there is always a flip side. So, here is the trade off: I have never heard a gassier child in my life. I will not go into detail, since I am a lady. But trust me when I tell you it is BAD. I have cast my vote, though, and I will take the gas over the vomit any day!)

3 Months!

How in the world is Elijah 3 months old already?? Whatever. But I will say this: They have been 3 WONDERFUL months! And I seriously fall more in love every day. Here is what I know about my little man, so far:

• He startles pretty easily. Loud noises, quick movements, even an unexpected touch can sometimes elicit his "startled cry." I've found that it actually makes a difference if I say "I'm going to pick you up now, Eli" before I move him. Maybe because it really just causes me to move slower around him?
• He loves his brother and sister! They can make him smile like none other, and he loves to watch them make funny faces and dance around.
• He loves his daddy! I swear, he actually tries to reach for him, except that he has no idea how to reach. It's just that his whole body seems to lurch toward Kevan in excitement whenever he's around.
• He's HUGE! He had a pretty good head start, but he still remains in the 95 percentile in both height and weight. At 2 months, he weighed in at 14 lbs. 1 oz! Love. love his rolls and husky little body.
• He's really strong. Holds his head up great, stands on his legs, tried to roll over around 8 weeks, then seemed to give up and hasn't tried lately, can sit up in his high chair and bumbo great.
• He is basically the happiest child ever. I know, I know...I am his mother and I am supposed to think he's amazing. But, really, he is. Even I can't get over it and I witness it every day. He is happy almost all the time. He can seriously just be sitting in his bouncy seat smiling at nothing. Unless he is hungry, tired - or startled! - he is content just hanging out. Plus, his laugh is just about the cutest thing ever! I know I thought the other 2 were easy as babies, but hmmmmm.....Eli might have them beat.
• Except....in ONE area! SLEEP! While Elijah naps like a champ during the day, and is on a super-predictable eating routine he is still not sleeping through the night. And I'd venture to say he's not even close. We've had a few good nights scattered here and there - 7, 8, and one 9 hour stretch! - but mostly he is still at 5 or 6 hours stretches. Same since the day we brought him home from the hospital! My only consolation is that I really don't think there is anything to "fix" since his days are so textbook. I think he just needs that extra feeding. Oh well. he is so darn cute I usually don't mind. Usually. =)
• I spend A LOT of time starring at this baby and playing with him. The rewards are so big - his precious smiles and adorable laugh. I am soaking him in, loving every moment of his baby-ness. And he is reminding me of the things I found so precious and innocent in my other 2 when they were babies. Good reminders, since they are no longer so innocent these days! =)
• So far, we are calling him Elijah, Eli, Husky, and Bull. We will see what "sticks"!

Love, love my Elijah!

PS: None of these pictures are super recent since my camera is dead. =( But those are some of his first smiles, around 6 weeks.

Painting and Prayers.

First off, my camera is broken. Bummer. So, I am on the hunt for a new camera but - in the meantime - no new pictures for the blog. =(

This weekend I was busy painting Baby's room (Baby as in Bekah Jane, not the literal baby of our household). Pink, pink, pink. And she loves it. She keeps coming in saying things like "You paint my walls, mama? It's so pwetty!" And both Ezekiel and Bekah Jane have "helped" by getting paint on the floor, primer in the paint, etc...

As I painted, I daydreamed. And prayed. And thought a lot. I just couldn't help but think about adding another little girl to that big pink bedroom. Not because I want another girl, specifically. But because I am just plain ol' excited about adding to our family again. There, I said it. I am EXCITED. I know my baby is only 2 months old, I know I have 3 small children already. I know I have days where I am overwhelmed and unprepared and ill equipped. But I would have those days if I only had one child. That is just part of being a mother. But I am consumed by the thought that there is a child - or children - that are waiting to be a part of our family. There are children - millions of them - waiting to be a part of ANY family. How could I not think about this while I painted my little girl a darling pink bedroom? How could we not want to share this home, this love, with another child who knows neither home or love?

So I painted. And I prayed. For wisdom, and a pure heart. And strength for the journey we are about to embark on. And stamina when things get really tough; when pink rooms and loving arms may not be enough to soften the hardened heart of a hurting child.

Every night, when I tuck my kids in bed, sing Bekah Jane her "Butterfly song" and Ezekiel "God is so good", kiss their little faces and pray for them with their daddy, I inevitably think about the kids going to bed in far less pleasant conditions. Kids that sleep fitfully, without full bellies or the prospect of a peaceful night ahead. How can I ignore these promptings, these constant reminders that God is calling us to ACT?

The Bible is clear that we are to care for the orphans. I don't have to wonder if that is the right decision. He has written in His word and placed it on our hearts. But I don't want to move ahead of him; dive headlong into a raging river on a wave of emotion. So I am ramping up the prayers. Please, please Lord give us wisdom. We want to do your will, in YOUR timing. Show us when it's finally time to say "Yes!"....cuz I can hardly wait!

Brothers.

"Mom, I love my baby brother very much. I am so glad he came out of your tummy." - Ezekiel

Four Years Ago...

Four years ago....

I fell in love with my firstborn son

I came face-to-face with the answer to my prayers

I finally understood complete and utter unconditional love

I couldn't imagine ever being angry with the perfect little bundle laying in my arms

I had no idea how selfish I can be

I couldn't begin to understand the roller coaster I was about to ride, disguised as parenthood

I called one of my best friends and secretly confided that I could not stop kissing my newborn. She told me, "Of course you can't, silly!"

I had never experienced such awe, wonder, and bliss...or such sleep deprivation

I had no idea how many times I would think to myself "Ohhhh...NOW I get it!" and want to apologize to all the moms before me that I had silently judged.

I became the most biased parent on the planet, quite certain that God had given me the best little boy he had ever created. And then I slowly learned that, indeed, he is a sinner just like the rest of us. (Some days it's more obvious than others.)

I sang "God is so good" to my newborn son as I got him ready for church his first Sunday. And I'm still singing it to him as I tuck him in to bed every night.

I knew my baby was pretty special, but watching him with our subsequent babies only confirmed it. I thank God for giving us such a tender hearted son to begin our family. The way he loves and protects his sister and brother is truly amazing to me.

I didn't know that I would, very soon, see qualities of myself in this new little life. For better or worse, learned or inherited, this boy would mirror his mama. He gets so frustrated with inanimate objects. Why does he get so angry when his plastic animals won't stand up on their own? Well, mama, why do you get so frustrated when your washing machine spews water all over the garage floor? We're BOTH learning what it means to "Be angry, yet do not sin."

I couldn't even begin to grasp how much I would learn from my little boy. Earlier this week he told me, "Mom, tomorrow's a new day. I will choose to obey." His simple words of wisdom reach the deepest places in my heart.

I came to love this boy's daddy in a whole new way.

I could not even begin to image that, four years later, our blessing would be tripled.

Happy 4th Birthday, Ezekiel Sokyra Plumb! You are a dream come true. As we start this next leg of our journey together, I pray that I will have the wisdom, patience, and creativity to mold your heart and draw out the very best in you. I love you, Bear!

Obsessed.

I need to update my blog. I really, really do. But the truth of the matter is I am just too darn obsessed with my new baby boy to make the effort. I am LOVING these newborn days of holding him and snuggling to my heart's content. Awww...the newbies. I am a sucker. And I am unashamedly savoring.

(Ok, ok.. AND I am sort of a crazy busy with three kids under 4 living in my house!)

So, many more pictures and his fun birth story to come but, for now, allow me to introduce our little man:

Elijah Holbrook Plumb

July 13, 2010

10:49 PM

9 lbs 3 oz

Elijah means "The Lord is my God" and Holbrook is what you get when mama can't decide which one of the great men in my family to name him after! (Actually, I think Kevan pitched this to me before I even I had the chance to suggest it!). But I have daydreamed about having a little Elijah for many years - and even about using my maiden name as the middle name - and now he's finally here!

More to come, but Elijah and I are both done with our midnight snack...and I need sleep!

Baby in Belly!

So I finally got brave enough to let Sarah (our awesome photographer) take maternity pictures of me. I figured I would love them one day, when I am no longer pregnant and looking back longingly on this time. And, you know what? I sort of love them now too. Pregnancy is truly beauitful and an absolute miracle from God. I am loving these final weeks with my sweet boy-in-the-belly. Feeling so good and truly amazed at the blessing I am carrying. Now I just can't wait to meet him!

So, here we go...the belly at 30 weeks pregnant:

Happy 8 Years!

In the spirit of our 8th anniversary (yesterday!), here are a few more reasons why I love my husband:


#24: He says really nice things about me to other people. Sometimes he knows I'm listening and that is probably why he makes a point of saying it. He wants me to know that he speaks highly of me to others. Sometimes, I am totally eavesdropping and I still hear him say the sweetest things. I like that, too. =)

#25: If our kids know nothing else of their daddy right now, they know he loves their mommy. I've been thinking about that a lot lately, and what a gift that is to our children. Not only do they see him act lovingly toward me, he makes a point of telling them how much he loves me. Yeah, that's pretty great.

#26: Here's a flashback: When we had our first miscarriage, I was in the hospital overnight because there was a risk the pregnancy was ectopic. This was my first time staying overnight in a hospital since I was born, and not under the happiest of circumstances (Well, is it ever? Unless you're having a baby!). Anyway, Kevan was still in the military at the time and was supposed to report in for duty at like 6 a.m. the following morning. He left the hospital that night when visiting hours were over, with the intention of getting some sleep, going to drill in the morning, and asking to be excused as soon as possible so he could get back to me. Instead, I woke up in the middle of night with him curled up next to me on that tiny hospital bed --- completely dressed in his military gear. I don't know how he convince the nurses to let him back in, but that is where he stayed until the wee small hours that morning. Such a sweet memory, and just one of the many ways he's made something beautiful out something difficult in our lives.

A few fun pictures from Father's Day!

We took the kids to see Toy Story 3...our first time as a family in a movie theater! It was extra special because we went in our jammies at 9 at night (so, yeah, we're either really cool or really horrible parents...you can decide). The kids LOVED it and we had such a great time!

The rest of the pics are enjoying Father's Day opening gifts with daddy and papa.