My Timekeeper.

If there is one thing that regularly reminds me that life is flying by, it's my oldest daughter. For some reason, I feel like her life in particular is on warp speed. Kevan has noticed too. All too often I look her way and think, "When did THAT happen?" How did her hair get so long? When did she get so tall? How does she have so many ideas, and goals, and interests? How has she even been alive long enough to come up with this stuff?? There is just something about Bekah Jane that makes me want to hold on that much tighter, because I'm all-too-aware that childhood is fleeting and the days where I have her heart are small.

She turned 6 a couple weeks ago. SIX. I spent a good chunk of time looking back on her baby pictures, at her as a toddler, just trying to relive it...to remember, to somehow make sense of how we got from there to here.

She spent her birthday playing with her brothers and sister, and then later with Kate and Everett during a surprise slumber party at our house. And I spent yesterday just soaking her up, one on one, during an impromptu girls day out.

I loved sitting across from her at Starbucks, sharing a tiny little table she made by pushing the arms of our chairs together. She was chatty, telling me all about Martin Luther King, Jr., and the dream he had. "It doesn't matter if you have, like, brown eyes or maybe blue eyes. It doesn't matter at all. Everyone should just be kind to everyone. In the whole world."

And later she got to live it out, this ideal that she apparently shares with King. Leaving Target, a young couple sitting outside asked for some money. We took them out to lunch. We talked. Bekah Jane was quiet, saying hello, then staying close to me. But when we left that restaurant - and I mean as soon as they were out of earshot - she unloaded all that was swimming around in that head of hers. "MOM! We need to sell some stuff! They are sleeping in the BUSHES! That is not COMFORTABLE for humans!" (I love it when she refers to people as "humans".) "I have some toys. And clothes. And dad has a lot of clothes. We can sell that stuff and buy them a bed. I'm going to buy them a house. It is COLD at night!" She ranted and raved for a while. All this from the girl who barely said 2 words during lunch; I'd wondered if she was even aware of our company. Was she ever. We did find that couple again, a bit later, and Bekah Jane was able to give them a gift card as a present, and we talked with them a bit more. I loved hearing my girl's heart that afternoon. Her love for people, her desire to care for others.

(She also told me a few weeks back that she was going to marry Everett, and live on a farm, and grow food for all the poor people.)

This girl, with the long blond hair, and straight little rows of pearly white teeth, and the gleaming blue eyes, she is a bit of a mystery to me. She loves clothes, and fashion, and making outfits. She has an eye for color, and even wanted to decorate her room special for Christmas. She loves teaching (tonight it was a ballet class to her little brothers), and dancing, and prancing (always on her tip toes, that one). She loves to sing for us, to perform gymnastics or dance moves. She loves to cook, and bake, and she's good at it. She loves her baby dolls, and often asks me to help care for her "children." One day she actually said to me, "My kids are driving me CRAZY!" And sometimes she walks around a bit frazzled, pushing a baby in her stroller, carrying a few more, telling me, "I have A LOT of children! This is hard work!" Nevertheless. she really, really wants to be a mommy one day.

But she is also happiest playing by herself. Completely lost in her own world. With ponies, with her dolls, with her bunny. Sometimes she invites me to play. And sometimes I invite myself, only to get turned down. "Mom, I am PLAYING. You are distracting me!" "But you're so cute," I respond, "I want to play with you!" "Ok," she concedes, "You can listen at the door."

These are the moments when I remember that time is flying by.

This is why I invite her to come along when I have a day to myself. Because I don't want to miss these windows to really KNOW her. To see her heart in motion, to listen with attention undivided. This is why time stands still at bedtime, when I have her all to myself as she rambles about her day, and I sit bedside captivated, in awe that she is my girl and I get to be her mama.

Happy birthday, my beautiful daughter. You know that man looks at the outside, but God looks at the heart. May you continue to grow more lovely from the inside out as your heart reflects Jesus and you live to honor him.

Love is not a big enough word, but it will have to do.

Mama.

Kyrie Joy

Yes, I've neglected my blog. Which really tells a story all in itself about how this past year went. But I think when you adopt and give birth within 6 months of each other, you are off the hook from documenting every glorious moment of motherhood. You are just too busy living it. Our family has grown from 2 kids to 5 in the last two years, and I'm pretty much holding on for dear life trying to keep up with it! 

But I do hope to get back to writing. To sharing what God is doing in our family, and in my heart as I am stretched and pulled and challenged like never before.  I want to tell of Samuel's story of adoption, and how he is finally and officially our boy forever. But, for now, I re-enter the blogging world with an introduction to our newest family member, Kyrie Joy.

And what a joy she is. 

I almost stopped breathing when I found out I was pregnant with her. How would we manage? 5 kids in 6 years? Maybe for a tougher mother, someone with insane amounts of patience and endless optimism. I was barely keeping up with the 4 we had.

Yet, from that first moment, mixed right in there with those feelings of fear and doubt, was joy. Excitement over this new life. Anticipation over what she would look like, who she would be. Hope for the future of our family with this new little person added to it. Another miraculous gift from God. And how I longed that she would make it into this world safely. Yes, right from the beginning, she was ever-so-wanted. 

It was a blissful pregnancy. Perfect in every way. What a gift (and, again, I stop and thank God for that!). I felt great, loved feeling her move inside me, and my 2 littlest boys blessed me with 3-hour naps most days, so I often slept right along with them. I'm sure there were rough patches, but 3 months out and I'm already romanticizing it, so I'm just going to go ahead and dub it my favorite pregnancy. 

Her entrance into this world was either my fastest labor, or my longest...I'm still not sure. It was weeks of laboring, but not the painful, think-I'm-gonna-die kind. Eight days past her due date (and after weeks of thinking she would arrive any moment!), my doctor broke my water...and about 40 minutes later we were holding our baby girl. She was loud, and never has a cry sounded more beautiful.

8 lbs, 5 ounces of perfection. And looking so much like her oldest brother. 

From the cute little name card that rested in her bassinet at the hospital:

Kyrie Joy   

The LORD is our joy!

Kyrie {KEER-ee-ay} is greek for The Lord, and I felt strongly that God placed her name on my heart early in the pregnancy.  Long before we knew we were having a baby girl, I dreamt of her by name. With each rub of my belly, and every wistful thought about who she might be, I could not get this name out of my head...she has always been Kyrie to me.  Kyrie is an abundant gift from our Lord, and we pray that she will be a constant reminder of His goodness and grace in our life. 

Her middle name, Joy, is shared with her cousin Morgan and keeps with our tradition of using family names for our kids' middle names. Above all, it reminds us that in any and every circumstance, in blessing and in pain, our joy is found in the Lord alone. 

May her life reflect the joy we have in the Lord, and may she point us back to Him with each day we share with our beautiful Kyrie Joy. 

The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.

{Psalm 126:3}

To my oldest.

Dear Ezekiel,

The birthday you've long since looked forward to has finally come and gone. Six! You made it. You couldn't wait for this day. When we asked you yesterday, after celebrating at the San Diego Zoo, if all your hopes and dreams had come true, you replied: "Yes! Oh, except for one thing...the dream where I have creature powers. That hasn't happened yet." 

You make us laugh...and cry too. This past year has brought plenty of tears to my eyes as I watch you learn, listen to you share your love for Jesus, and smile as you care for your brothers and sister.

Yesterday at the zoo, while we waited in line for the bus, you kept kissing Elijah on the head and saying "I love you Elijah." The people behind us thought it was adorable, of course, and when you noticed them watching you, you just said "This is my baby brother Elijah. I love him." I couldn't even make eye contact with the poor people, for fear that they would notice the goofy, I-am-so-stinkin'-proud-of-my-son look on my face.

You started reading this year. Just small words at first, then sight words. And now sentences and pages, when you're really trying. It is amazing to teach you, a privilege to be a part of your learning. It reminds me a lot of watching you take your first steps. I can't wait to see you take off!

And some things you learn without hardly trying at all. Like anything and everything about animals. Just tonight you were telling me about all the birds that can be classified as "raptors" and what defines them as such (I thought raptors were extinct). Not too long ago, you added this to your "idea list": Visit flying fish in the Atlantic ocean. I love your love for animals, son, and how deeply you appreciate all that God has created.

What I love most, though, is how you want to share our creative God with others. What a year it's been, watching you grow into a boy who is passionate - insistent even - about sharing Jesus. Remember your new friend at the park?  You ran back to him, after already saying goodbye, as if you couldn't believe you almost missed the opportunity. "Hey, did you know God is here right now with us?" you said, running beside him, "He's always with us, and He protects us. I always try to obey God. You gotta obey God, ok?" And then there was our gardener's son, who heard all about the 7 days of creation as you both played in the backyard. When I called you in for dinner, you didn't want to come in. "I can't mom! Brandon doesn't believe in God yet!"

You've even encouraged me in my own faith, my son. And this I did not see coming. One night you were up late chatting with me as I painted some furniture. We were talking about the day and I said to you, "You know, I'm feeling discouraged about today. You know I love you so much, right? But sometimes I still don't make the right decisions as your mom and I let you down. I just want you to know that I need Jesus just as much as you do." I thought this was a good parenting moment, until you blew me away with this, "Don't worry, mom, this world is not what it's supposed to be. One day God is going to come back again and take all that is wrong and make it right again." What?! I am not that good of a parent. This was not a good parenting moment, this was a GOD moment. God is at work in you, bear, and it is an absolute joy to see.

We've had our share of struggles this year, too, challenges with anger and selfishness and itchy clothes that really aren't that itchy but you insist that they are. And we are both learning how to handle these things, me as your mother trying to coach you through them, and you learning to obey and take what the Bible says to heart (not so much about the itchy clothes, but the other stuff). And I know that God is, and will, and will forever continue to refine you for His glory!

And so I pray for you each night, as I tuck you into bed (and answer whatever random animal question you have for me), "Lord, may Ezekiel grow to love and serve and honor you with his whole heart and life."

Happy 6th birthday, bear! I love, love, love you!

Mama

ENOUGH.

Today we gave a stranger Elijah's shoes. But let me back up.

It started with A Hole in the Gospel. That was 3 years ago, but was quickly followed by Radical, then Not a Fan (which was given to me by a perfect stranger on an airplane, after he caught me not-so-subtly reading over his shoulder). Next came The Missional Mom and, now, 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess. With a smattering of great books on adoption in there too.

All of these books reach into the deepest places of my heart, address the parts of my life that feel off-balance, and force me to face head-on the uncomfortable discrepancy between saying I'm a Christian and truly living as a follower of Jesus. I gobbled up every word, marked them up with highlighters and question marks, nodded along in agreement as I read, talked to my friends about them (ad nauseam), and prayed for God to change me from the inside out.

Then the prayers turned to pleading. I felt paralyzed. Overwhelmed with the need to act but clueless about where to begin. The other night I literally felt like I prayed in my sleep (that's the Holy Spirit for you, huh?). And God, in His faithfulness, began to prompt me. In such a powerful way that I could not ignore it.

So, this morning, as I was sitting on my couch reading 7 while my kids ate breakfast, I knew what needed to be done. As much as I love that book, I nearly threw it across the room. ENOUGH reading. I've read it all before. Hello...I've read it in the Bible for decades. This is nothing new, just the same point God has been hammering home since the beginning of time: This life, if you are a follower of Christ, is not about you. It is one gigantic opportunity to take up your cross (read: die to yourself, because we are not that great to begin with and what we get in exchange is ridiculously better), allow the Holy Spirit to be alive and active and at work in us, and live with gratitude and joy as a bond servant to Jesus. ENOUGH reading. Time to start doing.

So right then and there I made a decision to make today different. I didn't have a clue what I was doing, or where I was going, but I packed up the kids in the car with this one thought: If we want to reach the world for Christ, let's start by getting out of our nice, air-conditioned house. 

My first sign that there would be resistance came from my 5 year old: "But, mom, I wanted to do something fuuuun today." Oh boy. Sweet child of mine, get out of my way and get in the car. This mama was on a mission and nothing--not crying, nor whining, nor breakfast dishes, nor lost shoes--would keep me from carrying it out. (I wasn't sure what it was, but come hell or high water we were going to find out.)

There are a lot of things that keep me from acting. My kids take slot numero uno. Why? Because doing things with them is hard! This is legitimate. But today, today I had clarity. Today I knew that we could do whatever God called us to together, and that they would learn right along with me. Lesson #1: Sometimes we get in the car for reasons other than self-gratification (Sub-lesson: "Fun" does not have to happen at Pretend City, it can take also take the form of offering bananas to hungry day laborers...more on that later.)

So we prayed. We asked God to match our resources with people who had need. We asked Him to lead us, to show us where to go and who to talk to. I passed by the first 2 men we saw who looked like they might need something. But they were super scary and, um, God told me to keep driving. Next: Two teenagers making out on the corner. Hmmmm....nope, probably not a good stop either with babies in the car. 

After a series of random decisions I ended up in a not-so-bad area of my 'hood, wondering why in the world I was here and, oops, aren't I supposed to be finding people with need? Probably not going to happen here in the land of plenty. Then we saw them. A group of men that I've passed a million times before. Day laborers hoping to get picked up for some work. Think what you want about immigration and taxes and all that, but here's what I saw: Men trying to work to feed themselves, their families. Honestly, I almost kept driving, but I'd already prepped the kids to be on the lookout for people with a need, and Ezekiel kept shouting "There they are, mom! Stop for those guys! Those guys!"

So we stopped. And we asked some questions. And, dang, I need to brush up on my Spanish. But when I asked if they needed food or clothes for their kids, they said "Yes, all!" (That is what "Si, todo!" means, right?!). 

And 20 minutes later we were back with bags full of overflow from our own pantry and closets. They took everything. We exchanged smiles, and blessings, and they were eating bananas when I left. And I hope that, somehow, Jesus is glorified in that. 

We will do this again. Get out in our community and meet people, meet needs. Without any other agenda. Share Jesus in words and actions. This is not radical. This is how Jesus lived, and how many people -- who are far ahead of me in understanding the implications of the gospel -- live. It is my hope and prayer that this will one day feel less blog-worthy, and more normal-life.

In the meantime, may we continue to "stir up one another to love and good works." (Hebrews 10:24).

Are you with me?

Love letter to my baby.

I love Elijah's hand in this picture. And his feet. And his lips...



You know how parents of older children will often tell us younger mamas "It goes by so fast..."? Well, I just want to say in reply "I believe you!" And I am trying my darndest to heed your advice and soak up as much of these "little years" as possible. I get that even though this season of life is hard, it is fleeting. And in a blink of an eye their chubby little feet will be wearing man-sized cleats and unprompted kisses on the lips will be replaced with a side hug. I get it.

So will someone please tell Elijah to just stay little forever? How, oh how, is he turning 2 tomorrow?!

Elijah, your 2nd year of life probably took a good decade off mine. You have stopped my heart more times than any other child of mine. Sometimes in good ways: When you're so cute that it literally hurts my heart to watch you...I am just so in love. And, sometimes, in not-so-good ways: Like when you nearly burnt the house down by putting your sister's Care Bear in the oven, or when you decided to escape from Grandma's backyard and go on your own little adventure without notifying your mother...those moments just straight up scared me to death.

God was so merciful to us by keeping you stationary for your first 16 months. Once you started walking, my son, it was game over. You quickly figured out your two favorite speeds - running and jumping - and you've pretty much never looked back.

Yes, you keep me on my toes. Yes, you are my busiest boy. My most mischievous, most strong-willed, most stubborn. But, oh man, that twinkle in your eye, that laugh, that contagiously cute way you frantically wave and say "Hi!" at the most random times....I am a completely and utterly head over heals for you. And I can tell you this now, because you're only two and can't actually read, that I basically think everything you do is adorable...and it takes everything in me not to laugh at your naughtiness.

I absolutely can't wait to see the man you will become, my Elijah. The passion you have for life, your determination to overcome challenges (like climbing the ladder at the playground even when your little legs are shaking), your strong temperament...all of these will be wonderful qualities in a man seeking to serve Jesus with his whole heart and life. 

You, so far, remind me the most of your dad. (He disagrees because he says he was an angelic child.) But I already see your great sense of humor, and I think you may share his strong sense of justice and full-throttle approach to goals you set. You have a super sweet side, too, just like your daddy. And if your devotion to your beloved "puppy" is any indication of your future devotion to your wife...well, you are definitely on the right track to following your dad's example and excelling as a husband!

You are a delight and a joy to us every day, Elijah. I love taking you outside before bed to say goodnight to the moon ("Night moon"...I could listen to you say that a million times over, with your chubby little finger pointing up at the sky, and your lips forming a perfect little "O" with every "moon"). I love hearing you whisper, and sing, and watching you practice your long jump. You never stop, and I never stop marveling at how amazing you are.

You are my baby, and it's no secret that sometimes babies get babied. May God give me the strength to help you grow into the man He wants you to be...and to let you fly (or jump) when the time comes. 

Happy 2nd birthday, our beautiful boy! We love you!

You're adorable.

A few of the funny things coming out of my girl's mouth lately:

• "Mom, I saw mud puddles outside. Can I please put on my boots and jump in them? Please, please, double please?" It's June, people. The mud puddles were made by the sprinklers. But on went the boots and the windbreaker (I love how she can put an outfit together) and puddle jumping she went! You simply cannot resist the double please.
• Yesterday she invented a word, something like "vensect" (we were talking about insects just before, so I'm sure that's where the root word originated from). "What does it mean?," I ask, "When teachers disobey and they have to fly up in the sky and meet with Jesus." You know, we've been needing a word for that.
• Today we were playing doctor and I was her patient. "Let me check your ear," she said first. "Hmmm...I don't see anything wrong with you. Ok, let me check your heart." Out comes the stethoscope. "Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep. Uh-Oh. I hear a bump. That means you're gonna die." Then she's whispers in my ear, "I'm just pretending, mom."

I love this mixture of sweet and silly and spitfire. She's a keeper.

Visit With Nana!

We just got back from a long weekend in Arizona visiting Kevan's family. The kids had so much fun staying at Nana's house, and she doted on them in every possible way! A few pics from the trip, most of them from the Phoenix zoo...on a warm spring day of 110 degrees!!! Needless to say, we were the only ones there, so that part was nice. And, honestly, the kids hardly seemed to mind at all. Us grown-ups wimped out around 2 and bribed the kids with a movie to go home. 

The kids helped Nana buy a new fish while we were there...they named him Louie and they loved him. I mostly just love Bekah Jane's crown.

Did I mention it was 110?! No further explanation needed for Elijah's face...