I love you, Elijah. That's all.

Funny little things

Love that kids make us laugh! A couple cute things from my 2 oldest:

Ezekiel got all dressed up in a costume that he assembled himself. With a red mask covering his face and a tinker-toy sword in his hand, he asked me very seriously, "Is God speaking to me?"

Not sure what he meant, I told him that God speaks to us all the time and that, sure, God could be speaking to him. Of course he then asked "What is he saying to me?"

So I dove into a pretty lengthy explanation about how whatever God says to us will be in alignment with His word...so "maybe God is saying that he loves you and loves your creativity."

Ezekiel answered, "So he likes my costume then, right, mom? Is it honoring to God?"

You know, at the time it just seemed funny -- especially as he said such mature things in that super silly costume. But, as I write it, that little story is pretty sweet too, now isn't it?

***

Tonight at bedtime, Bekah Jane and I were talking about self-control and how God can help us change our attitudes. Of course, I'm pretty good at these little discussions after my kid's bad attitude has changed...in the middle of an attitude problem I may be more likely to tell my kid to suck it up and knock it off. Bekah Jane meshed my two approaches perfectly with this little illustration: She says to me, "'Member when you were crying in the kitchen, mom?"
Not really remembering a specific incident she's referring to, but sure that's probably happened I asked "Oh, was I sad about something?" "Yeah," she says, "but you sucked it up, mom. God helped you to suck it up."

More Caught Than Taught.

Ezekiel: Mom, can I bring a few books to bed with me?
Me: Sure, hon.
E: Ok, mom, I'm going to bring my Bible, just like you.

Be still my heart...for better or worse, they are paying attention!

Soon-to-be Son.

Sweet boy,

Today we celebrated your 2nd birthday....and today we celebrated the news that you will soon be an official member of our family. A Plumb. A brother. Our son. What a day.

It was on Wednesday that daddy and I went to court. You got to play at Grandma's and had no idea that your entire life depended on what that judge said. While you ate cookies (I know Grandma gave you cookies) and played cars and slept peacefully with your little lovey, daddy and I heard the words that will forever change our lives: We can adopt you!

On the drive to court we passed a Planned Parenthood building. I don't think daddy noticed as my eyes welled up with tears and my heart swelled with thankfulness for the life you were granted. Two years ago there was a mama who gave birth to you...and now, for reasons more complex and miraculous than I can explain just yet, we get to call you son.

Daddy had his turn to tear up, too, when we got to meet your mama not a couple hours later as we waited outside that courtroom. She told us of her great love for you, her desire to give you the life she never had, to keep you safe and give you a family, and her awareness that she is incapable of doing any of that. We got to hug her and thank her for bringing you into the world.

So you can imagine the conflicting emotions that surged through us as the judge made her decision and you shifted from "foster baby" to "soon-to-be-son." We feel deeply for the loss of your biological family...and yet we are thrilled beyond words that God has heard our cries and is granting you a forever family...US!

You have molded and transformed my heart and soul, baby boy. God has used you as a mirror in my life to reveal sin and ugliness that I never knew existed. And, by that, he has used you to teach me of his great love for me; his unending grace that he lavishes on me. Because of you, my son, I more deeply understand what it meant for Jesus to pay the price for my rebellion, and to restore my relationship with my heavenly father so that I, too, could be adopted into God's kingdom. I have never known the depth of my depravity nor the greatness of grace. And my gratitude for what I've been saved from has never run so deep. It is my hope, my prayer, that I will be a better mommy to you because of how God has used you to teach me. And, one day, may you grow to understand these truths for yourself.

You know what? We are going to have another party for you in not too long. In about 6 months, you will officially be our boy and we think that's worthy of a pretty big celebration. But, for today, Happy Birthday little one! We love you and thank God for you!

Love,
Mama

Just because it's fun...

I really do love to decorate. I don't nearly have the time, money, or creativity to do it very well...but it sure is fun when I finally give it a try! Last weekend I attempted to give Bekah Jane's room a face-lift. My friend Selah came over to help me and we had so much fun with this little project! And the end result has secretly made me so happy! Sometimes when the whole house is in chaos, I'll just go stand and look at her pretty wall. =) Here's the before and after:

BEFORE: Cute, but not really working for me. I painted these stencils about a year ago and have never loved the feel they gave the room. I couldn't decide between sticking with a vintage-inspired room for Bekah Jane's or branching out and going with a more something more vibrant and funky. Lack of focus did not serve me well, and I think I ended up with a sort of confused room.

AFTER: Sticking with what I know and love! This quilt-inspired backdrop for her bed turned out so stinkin' cute, if I do say so myself!

Buttons smattered in random corners add such a cute little touch! (PS: Some of the buttons came from my Grandma's collection)


A sweet little shelf with special things like my sister's baby shoe and my mom's baby book:


Knobs I got on clearance at Anthro! Score! (Dresser was free from a friend!)

I will post pics of the babies' nursery soon too! I've added a few fun things in there lately too, and I'm thinking it's about as done as it's gonna get! (It only takes me 2 years to finish a room...haha!)

It takes a village.

Ok, time to talk a little more about foster care. I struggle with how much to say on this blog, because I want to be real and specific about our experience...but I also want to protect C from ever thinking that HE is a problem. So, I will say it like this: This situation is HARD. Harder than we ever could have imagined, for reasons we never dreamed would apply to us.

You know how people tell you labor is hard? And after the 800th person tells you their birth story, you're like "yeah, yeah, I get it"? And then you actually go through labor and you're like "Oooohhhh....NOW I get it!" Nothing can ever really prepare you for that experience, until you go through it yourself. I'm sure you see the analogy here. We were "warned", we were prepared in every way you probably can be prepared to enter the world of foster care, yet we've still been brought to our knees by the difficulty of this challenge.

When you bring a newborn home from the hospital, everyone knows you just had a baby and wants to help ease the transition of adding another to your family. Bringing a child in through foster care is a bit different...it's confusing to others, I think. Are you babysitting? Is he staying? Oh, he's so cute...you must be loving it! But I don't think people typically think of it as a major family adjustment. I will say this: In our experience, bringing home a baby from the hospital and the ensuing crazy weeks that follow is way, WAY easier than adding a child to your family through foster care. I don't say that to advocate birth over adoption, not in any way. (And, admittedly, we got off pretty easy in the happy newborn department.) I just want to share perspective as you encounter other families in your church/social circle/whatever that bring in kids to their home that are not their biological children. Think of the care families need when they have a new baby, and add an extra measure of prayer and support on top of that. =)

Here are some of the amazing ways people have rallied around us to help carry our load:

• In the first couple of months, several families brought meals which was a HUGE help. I honestly don't think I cooked for the first two months we had C. The very idea of making dinner with everything we had going on sounded ludicrous. (Thankfully, that is no longer the case and I am back to making 3 meals a day, most days!) This is one of my favorite examples of how a simple gesture can be a huge blessing: One day back at the beginning, a lady from our church called several times and I never picked up because I was so overwhelmed with caring for C and the others. When I finally checked my messages, I was blown away by her words: "The Lord put you on my heart this morning to bring you dinner tonight. Please call me back to let me know if that's ok. I'm just trying to obey what God tells me to do." The Lord meets our needs! And he uses his people to do it! Her act of obedience not only eased my physical load for the day, it boosted my faith that God was caring for us. Isn't that beautiful?



• Another gal from my Bible Study offered to come by my house once a week for a few weeks to help with laundry, dishes, meal prep, whatever. I cannot even explain how amazing this was. She was like an angel sweeping her way through my home, without a hint of judgement at the mess she was stepping over, and getting right to work without hardly stopping to ask for directions. She'd leave a clean kitchen, dinner in the fridge, and a load of laundry in the dryer. THEN, she would pray over each room in my house before she quietly slipped out the door. God bless Sarah.



• Several people have called on their way to the grocery store or Costco to ask if they can pick me up anything. This is like calling a prisoner and asking if you can bring them anything in jail. Ok, that's a bit dramatic...but you get the picture. My answer is almost always YES! Between loading up my 4 preschoolers and braving a trip to the store or having an angel drop off a gallon of milk at my door, I choose the angel! What a gift. (These days it is not so daunting to run to the store with the kids...but it's still convenient when my mom offers to pick up something for me!).



• My dearest friends have all lightened my load by faithfully praying, sending me encouraging text messages, vacuuming when they come over for a play date, and folding laundry as we chat. They've also offering a non-judgemental ear as I pour out my frustrations, concerns, and weaknesses.



• Several families from our church have offered to babysit for us for dates, doctor's visits, etc...and we are so thankful! It takes 2 babysitters usually to watch all 4 of the kids, so when a family offers we are especially thankful because they all pitch in to play and help!



• Basically, my mom is amazing and wonderful and I would die without her. Everything she does is helpful and encouraging...so if you want to be a support to foster families you can just ask her what she does for us! =)



• On that note, a couple weeks back my entire family gathered in our living room to pray for us and for C (some joined us via Skype, but we were all there!). Plus our pastor and his wife joined us. That was an awesome night of encouragement and renewal for us.

Orphan care is a community effort. Every believer has an opportunity to care for these kids, either directly by fostering/adopting or indirectly by caring for the families that bring them into their homes. Thank you, thank you for being a part of C's life and helping us care for him! We cannot do this alone, and by God's grace and provision we don't have to. Is it hard? YES. Do we have any regrets. Nope. Sometimes, hard is exactly where God wants you.

First Day of School!

Today Ezekiel started kindergarten! We are officially homeschooling this year, and I'm excited about starting this adventure with my little man. We had a great first day! Started with an outing to Bagel Me with Grandma to celebrate. Then we read "Harold and the Purple Crayon" and used it as a launchpad to cover math skills and language arts. We climbed a ladder in our living room to learn the word "perspective", then turned the bed sheets into hot air balloons and practiced counting by 10's as we jumped off the bed. I decided to call it a day when Ezekiel turned to me and said "Mom, I love school!" Quit while you're ahead, right? Ok, so not the most rigorous day of academics but, hey, it's kindergarten!

Just for posterity, here is what Ezekiel has mastered going into kinder (can't wait to see what he learns this year!):

• All his letters and sounds. Can write most of them, but not very neatly.



• Reads and writes his name.



• Counts to 20 on his own (sometimes skips 17), can count to 100 with prompts along the way.



• Counts to 100 by 10's (ok, he learned this yesterday).



• Sounds out letters and can read short words with help.



• Can do simple addition and subtraction...loves numbers.



• Has way more knowledge than I do about every animal on God's green earth. He knows their habitats, if they're herbivores or carnivores, whether they are aggressive or friendly, if they are nocturnal, whether they're predators or prey, and the list goes on and on! Definitely a strength for Ezekiel!



• Not great at holding a pencil properly, so that is a big goal of mine as we start out the year. Of my "reading, writing, and arithmetic" goals, I think writing will be our most challenging.

Sick day.

I hate to miss church on Sunday morning, but I sure loved the special time I had at home with my sickie today. I found myself wishing that everyone who loves this girl would have such an opportunity to soak her up one-on-one. Isn't it funny how you really see your kids differently when you can spend focused, undivided attention on them?

So, yeah, Bekah Jane seems to have the flu. And while it ain't pretty, she was sure fun to hang out with while Grandma came and took the others to church. I think she must be on the mend already, because she was in a great mood and we just played our little hearts out. The imagination in this girl just amazes me! She is so FUN!

We played school (which she takes very seriously, I might add), we read books, we did Tangrams (remember these??), we did puppet shows (about the puppets going to school, of course). We ran away from the "Space-O-Saurus" dinosaur she created after building a rocket ship with her tangrams. And I thought we'd be spending the morning snuggling on the coach watching princess movies. Boy, she had me fooled. =)

I know it doesn't do it justice to just write out the funny things she said -- cuz you really got to hear her cute little voice and the way she mispronouces words -- but it will bring back the memory for me!

• I showed her our pantry I organized last night and she walks in, turns around slowly, puts her hands over her heart and says, "For me?!" And then, "It is so...(searching for a compliment)....Soft." She proceeds to rub her hands over the shelving saying "mmmm....feels nice." Thanks, daughter, I love my soft, clean pantry too.


• When we were playing school with the puppets, the puppet teacher asked the students what they wanted to learn about. One of Bekah Jane's puppets answered "Jesus!" So the teacher asked "And what did Jesus do?" I'm pretty sure it was the walrus puppet that randomly said "Jesus made carrots!"


• There was a while this morning when Elijah was awake and interferring with our tangram activity. Bekah very politely asked me, "Mom, can we just put him on the counter??"

You know, sometimes sick days are the best kind of days. =)

(Now that she's not vomitting on me anymore, that is.)

Bad Hair Day (and other fun facts about Bekah Jane)

Today was the day. The day I've dreaded ever since I realized my daughter would have beautiful, long, silky soft blond hair. Yep, she chopped it. Butchered it. Hacked it. Ughhhh! And she actually seems proud of herself.

Admittedly, my reaction revealed a teensy bit of pride I have in my baby girl's beauty. It was definitely more about me than her, since I happen to love doin' up her pretty little head (in all fairness, I thought she loved it too....but apparently she would prefer a buzz cut).

Like any good mother, I rushed her to a kiddie salon to see if they could salvage this mess. (I actually told the stylist "I only have ONE girl...please save her hair!!" Hmmm...perhaps a little dramatic, in reflection.) Wow, are those people experts. Turns out they do such damage control on a daily basis. Honestly, it was pretty bad and they managed to find a cut and style that just might get us through the next few months!

In other news, here are a few fun facts about this one girl of mine:

• She mixes up words in the cutest way. She calls daddy's uniforms "unicorns" and polka dots "coco-nuts" (as in: I want to wear my coco-nut jammies, mom!).



• I mentioned to her today that we might change C's name if we adopt him. Her response? "Oh good! I will call him Ezekiel! That is a GREAT name!" Ummm...think we already used that one.



• Tonight at bedtime I asked her what she was thankful for today. Her answer cracked me up: "Meat."

My book list!

Over the past year I have read some amazing books that have transformed my life, some subtly and some so profoundly it's as if they were written just for me for this exact time in my life.

Because I love to know what other people are reading and recommending, I share with you my year-of-transformation book list (I am not including fictional books. While those are wonderful too, it's the life-changers that I want to recommend!):

Radical by David Platt
I hardly know where to begin with this one, other than to say: Read it!! If you want to be challenged to think beyond our consumer-driven society and pursuing the "American dream", get a hold of this book and buckle up for a thought-provoking and convicting look at what Jesus means when he calls us to follow Him and make disciples of all the nations. What does it really mean to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Him? (And, no, he is not advocating that everyone move out of the country and become missionaries in a foreign land!). I read this book last October and God used it as the catalyst to a major turning point in my spiritual walk. Of course, that may have nothing to do with the book and everything to do with how amazing God is...but I still think it's a great read for every believer!

Wrestling With an Angel by Greg Lucas
This is a short book, written by a father about raising his severely handicapped son. While it is tender and inspiring, it is also a beautiful illustration of God's grace in our own lives. How, in our broken and disabled state, Christ loved us enough to lay down His life for us and sacrifice everything to make us whole again. I actually just re-read this one, because -- in ways that certainly aren't obvious -- the story parallels some of our experiences with little C. Not the physical challenges, but some of the heart issues this father faces and comes to terms with. And certainly in the way that God uses this boy to draw his parents' hearts to Jesus.

Adopted for Life by Russell Moore
Not just for those "called to adopt", this book beautifully describes how adoption is an amazing, earthly representation of God rescuing us from our former life, adopting us into His family, and giving us a new identity in Him. (Plus, great practical ways you can "care for the orphans" whether you're bringing them into your home or not!). I may be biased, but I think this also is a must-read for every believer.

Without a Word by Jill Kelly
The autobiography of Jill Kelly, wife of NFL Hall of Famer Jim Kelly. Oddly enough, this is another story of how God used a severely handicapped son to completely transform the hearts of a family. I don't know why the Lord led me to two books with such similar themes, but they both are amazing...and not just for the inspirational story. In fact, that is absolutely secondary to the overriding theme of the gospel weaved into both of these books. It is heart-warming, tear-jerking, convicting, inspiring...and somehow not even about this family at all. It all comes back to the sovereignty of our Lord, and the overflowing grace and mercy He lavished on us while we were yet sinners.

The Rest of God by Mark Buchanan
Truth be told, I didn't read this book for the first time this year. Probably for the 3rd or 4th time. But it still counts. Ahhhh....I love this book. I always say after reading it, "If I could just live THIS out, everything else in life would just fall into place." Not because life would get easier -- not at all --- but because I would be following God's design for abundant living in Him. This book UNPACKS the idea of Sabbath rest -- not just on Sunday (while that's certainly a part of it), but as an ongoing way of life. I love how Buchanan writes...it's restful just reading his stuff, before you even apply it!

One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp
I am slowly working by way through this book - about 3/4 of the way through it (and got distracted by the next book I am going to highlight!), but I already know it's on my short list of "best of's". Basically, it's about developing a heart of gratitude. And allowing your gratitude to overflow into a heart of worship throughout your day, in every circumstance. It's discovering how we can be content with much or with little, and how to give thanks regardless of the joy or trials in our life. Completely based on scripture, and written from the heart of a stay-at-home mom with like 7 kids living out on the farm! Love the perspective she offers!

Give Them Grace by Elyse Fitzpatrick and Jessica Thompson (mother and daughter)
I have one chapter left in this book, and I cannot stop talking about it. It is my new all-time favorite parenting book (I also love "Don't Make Me Count to Three" by Ginger Plowman on heart-oriented discipline). Such an amazing outline of how to infuse the gospel into our parenting. How to show our kids their need for a Savior and to use every day interactions to point them to Jesus. Duh....this is what we want! But sometimes it is so hard! These gals are practical, real, and all about the gospel. This is not a "how to raise perfect kids" book (which focuses on the externals, really just a desire to glorify ourselves rather than God)...this is about faithfully parenting our kids in a way that shows them their sin, God's boundless love that conquered that sin....and then trusting that salvation is of the Lord!

So...what are you reading? Anything great that you can recommend? I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Elijah's "Over the Moon" Party!

So much to post, so little time! But I don't want to skip over these great pictures Heidi took at Elijah's first birthday party. His theme was "We're Over the Moon for Elijah!" so we used all kinds of fun space decor...right down to moon pies for dessert and moon sand party favors. Fun! We had a great afternoon celebrating our adorable one year old! Thanks to all for making his birthday special!
Hiked-up shorts and man boobs...only cute when you're one!

Elijah took a little break from the party to hide in the stack of diaper bags and drink his bottle.


Daddy praying...thanking God for this gift that we wanted and waited for!

Some of the fun decor:

Silly sister...

That Ezekiel.

So much fun stuff to post about, but real quick I want to jot down some great things coming out of my kid's mouth lately:

• A couple days ago we were at Seascape, kinda like a huge indoor playground, and a couple boys were not sharing with Ezekiel. When he told me about it, I explained to him that nobody likes to share and that's why we all need Jesus to help us to be kind. 2 days go by....last night he randomly comes up to me and says, "Mom, I hope Jesus is working reallllly hard to get those boys to share!"


• I bought E a little matchbox car yesterday while he was grocery shopping with me. He told me last night before bed "Mom, I am really thankful for my new car."


• Heidi's new baby Susannah was over the other day and E said "She's talking to us with English body." Heidi was so smart to figure out that he meant "body language"....English body??? Hahahaha!!

To my ONE YEAR OLD! (How can it be?!)

Dear sweet baby boy,

Tonight I laid you down a baby and tomorrow you will wake up a one-year-old. I want to celebrate you in every possible way. You are a joy, a delight, and God's precious gift to me. Oh, how I wanted you. How I hoped and prayed that God would bless us with another healthy pregnancy, another baby. And every day I look at you and think "You were so worth wanting." Sometimes we want something so badly, yet when we get it we are still discontent. But with you, my son, my joy is overflowing; I am spilling with thankfulness, in awe of your miraculous life. It's been an entire year of reveling, pondering, rejoicing over you...and I still can't get over God's goodness by giving you to us.

We brought you home from the hospital late on a Wednesday night, the day after you were born. For the next week or so, I mostly just laid in bed with you on my chest, skin to skin, soaking in your smell, your wonderfulness. I will never forget those moments, the love I had for your daddy for giving me that time, and the way I knew I would love you forever.

Tonight I kissed your neck and you threw your head back and laughed. Your smile is so big it sometimes is not even a smile anymore -- it's just a gigantic "O" that covers your whole face. You are so in love with life, with the world, with your brothers and sister, with the day-old cheerio you find tucked under the couch. Everything to you is wondrous, and your joy is downright contagious.

You are hands-down the happiest baby I've ever seen. And it's not because I'm such a great mom (although you are pretty lucky to have me), rather that's just how God made you. With a passion, a zest, an excitement - even a sense of humor - that is already the hallmark of your life. How will you use this, my son, for God's glory as you grow? What does He have in store for you? I can't wait to see!

God has allowed you to stay my baby for a little longer than I expected. Your just now starting to move around, to get into things, as you master your funny little bottom scoot. Your two lower front teeth just finally showed their pearly tips a couple weeks ago. You're still deliciously chubby and love to nurse....you've only recently discovered the joy of "real" food.

I've loved every minute of your babyhood, Elijah Holbrook Plumb, and I've dug my heals in trying to slow it down. But I know from experience, from watching your big brother and sister, that it just keeps getting better. So while I'm sad to see this year end, I embrace what is to come. And rejoice over one more day, perhaps one more year, maybe even an entire lifetime with you. What a gift!

Happy 1st birthday, my beautiful son!

A bit about today...

Before I get to today, let me first say thank you for your comments, especially on the housework dilemma. You guys had great ideas and were super encouraging. Young mamas, if you haven't read my mom's comment on that post ("Regrets"), go back to it. She encourages us all!

Ok, here's today in a nutshell:

• Two visits from social workers today. Honestly, I like both of our social workers (one from the county and one from our agency). But I will be oh-so-glad when our life does not revolve around them. =)


• Took all 4 kiddos to the grocery store with me. DID YOU READ THAT CORRECTLY?? Yes! And it was VICTORIOUS! I was giddy-proud of them by the time we left. We even did a cheer in the car to celebrate. I never thought I'd see the day. Hearing all the comments from fellow shoppers was half the fun..."All are those kids yours??" (In case this sounds dramatic, let me just remind you - and myself, years from now when I'm re-reading this post - my kids are 4, 3, almost-2, and almost-1...not exactly a recipe for successful grocery shopping!).


• Questions/thoughts from Ezekiel today: "How do worms see?" "Do octopuses scare eels?" "Deer are friendly, unless you are mean to them. Then they get antlers. You got to be kind to deers, mom."


• Had a great conversation with the kids about caring for the hungry/poor on the way home from the grocery store. We saw a man asking for food as we got off the freeway, so I pulled over and put some of our groceries in a separate bag for him. I don't do this all the time, but today was one of those times when I could not ignore the prompting to help. (By the time I got back to the off ramp, he was gone so he never got the groceries. This happens to me a lot. Where do the homeless people go?! Why do they move so fast??). One of the things high on my "parenting priority" list is giving my kids an awareness - and hopefully compassion for - how most of the world lives. We talked about how God has given us plenty of money to buy food, and how we can share that with others who are hungry. Bekah Jane was all about it ("Sharing is good mom! We have two monies at home, so we can give one money to the man! Then he can go to the store and buy food!"). Ezekiel was MAD. He really believed that if we gave our food away we wouldn't have any left. He flat-out told me "This is a BAD idea mom!" and he was totally relieved when the man had left his off-ramp post. I think we'll be having a few more conversations on this topic, he and I. =)


• My husband has the patience of a saint. He spent HOURS yesterday working with C to get him out of his defiant "funk." I could not believe the balance he found between staying controlled, firm, and loving. I would not have lasted 5 minutes!! And he was successful, too. Days like that end up being pretty big turning points in our progress with C, so I'm very thankful!


• Elijah is almost one. I don't want to talk about it. PLEASE SLOW DOWN, Elijah. I am crazy-obsessed-over-the-moon for this baby. So is everyone else in this family, for that matter. Even though I want him to stay my baby, we all can't wait to celebrate him on his birthday! (Ezekiel's been singing to him for weeks.)


• I put both babies to bed in my room tonight so I could work on decorating their room. I am waiting for paint to dry now, but I think I'm running out of steam. Shoot...I guess I'd be bored if I got it all done tonight anyway, right?!

Happy 4th of July weekend! Anna (Nana) is coming into town to visit with us, and the kids are sooo excited!!

Good morning, Sunday

I love Sundays. LOVE them.

We get to worship God, freely, collectively. We get to encourage one another in the faith, in life, in the sitting next to, the dropping off of kids, the singing off-key and not caring, the leaning forward to absorb Pastor's every word.

I love the drive to church, all 7 minutes of it. Usually begins with a high-five and a congratulations that we made it to this point, 4 little bottoms buckled into 5-point harnesses, the payoff for preparation that began a full 12 hours earlier. Followed by some comment usually like, "I think this is the earliest we've ever been late!" Kevan squeezes my hand, turns up our "church music" and signals celebration...it's time for church! Regardless of how crazy the morning was, or how little sleep we got, now is when we refocus and prepare our hearts.

I love the kids in our service, sitting, wiggling, learning, worshiping.

I love watching Bruce, well over 60 but with the mind and social graces of a 6 year old, hands held high and praising Jesus. I love how he reaches for my hand when it's time to pray - even if I'm sitting behind or in front of him.

I love my kids' teachers, the way they delight in my children and are passionate about teaching them the Bible.

I love the rest, the opportunity to connect with friends and family, the intentional setting aside of have-to's and the focus on what nurtures our soul, fills us.

This morning I am up in the darkness, hoping that medication will work it's wonders soon and relieve this sore throat that is robbing me of sleep and sanity. An opportunity to reflect, to anticipate, to thank God for rest, and new beginnings, and mercies new every morning. Happy Sunday.

Nine Years with The Babe.

For someone who is a "writer by profession", there are a few things that I still have trouble putting into words (thankfully, there is a word for that: Ineffable). And one of those things is the way I feel about my husband. My joy, my gratitude, my overwhelming love for this man run so deep and wild that words feel like a pathetic attempt to capture and reign in and control something that is better left untamed.

I still daydream about him when I'm driving.

Every sappy love song reminds me of us.

I am in awe of how he can balance me, bring me back to what's important, make me laugh when I really want to be grumpy.

I am amazed -- and oh so humbly thankful -- at his desire to live a life of sacrifice for me. It plays out in our lives every day in big and small ways, and I know -- without a doubt -- that his constant effort to put my needs before his own is the single biggest contributor to the joy we find in marriage. (Aside from the grace of God, but do I even need to say that??)

I love to watch him struggle. To wrestle with himself. And I love seeing God win, because he always does. I think one of the biggest lessons I've learned in my nearly-nine-years of marriage is to simply pray for my husband's weaknesses. And then sit back and let God work. Man, that's been fun to see.

If this is too over-the-line cheesy for you, stop reading now because it's about to get worse.

Perhaps what I treasure most about the Babe, what I realize is truly a gem, is that I get how much he loves me. I know that I am loved in a way that is rare and beautiful and I count it as a nothing less than pure gift.

And here's the part the just makes me laugh: Our relationship should NOT be this way. I think we probably raised a few eyebrows when we got married, and may have seemed oddly matched to some. Even I look back on my 18-year-old-self and wonder what I was thinking when we first started dating. But, little by little, God turned what should have been a mess into a beautiful relationship. And it is only by His grace and lavish love for us that we are sustained.

So tomorrow we are leaving the 4 bambinos at grandma's and escaping for a night away to early-celebrate our 9 year anniversary. I CANNOT WAIT to sleep, and read, and rest, and hang out with my man. Ahhhh...ineffable.

Regrets

There is not a whole lot in my season of mothering, thus far, that I think I will regret. I spend a lot of time with my kids -- choosing hide-n-seek over laundry, being in the band over making the bed. I am deeply aware that every day with them is a gift. Even on the hard days, when I can't wait to get them in bed, I spend a few minutes with each them, stroking their hair, looking at their beautiful features, in full realization that I may or may not have this moment with them again. I try to memorize the sound of her giggle, etch his funny faces in the recesses of my heart, bottle up the way they mispronounce words and gesture with their hands and whisper to themselves as they play with toys.

But there is one exception to my non-regrets. One thing that I let get under my skin and rob me of joy on a continual basis. It affects my mood, and therefore affects my kids, my husband: The condition of my house. Why, oh why, do I let it have a physical and emotional hold on me? You know what? I think it's a longing for heaven. We were created to love beauty, to relish perfection. And we long for it in this fallen world. The disorder, the mess, it gets to me. I crave order, tidiness, neat little rows of something for longer than 10 minutes. But tis not the season. Oh, there is order and cleanliness from time to time...but it never lasts and neither does my satisfaction.

So, I think I'm 50% of the way there in my quest to "let it go". I daily CHOOSE to focus on the more important, the people. To say "yes" to the guests and "no" to perfection. But now comes perhaps the greater challenge: To CHOOSE not to let the mess bother me. Because I don't want to look back on this season and think about all the time I wasted grumpy and frustrated about the condition of a home that was occupied by 4 precious--albeit messy-- little gifts from God!

Any pointers from the mamas out there who have already figured this out?

Sweet boy.

From the mouth of Ezekiel:

• When Bekah Jane left for the doctor's yesterday, he gave her a hug and said "I hope you feel better soon, sister."


• Last weekend I got to take baby girl to a "Princess Tea" at our church. Ezekiel woke her up that morning, all excited, saying "You get to go to your tea today Bekah!!"


• After Bekah Jane's dance class, E ran up to her and said "I am SO PROUD of you baby! Good job!" (Promise, I do not tell him to say this stuff!)


• At a party on Sunday, Ezekiel walked up to a stranger and pointed out Elijah in the room. "That's my baby brother, Elijah, " he said, "He's a super cute baby."


• At bedtime, he always says "Goodnight, Elijah, I will play with you tomorrow!" and "You're my best baby brother!" Today, while I was nursing Elijah, Ezekiel kissed his head and whispered "You're a good boy."


• In addition to his unbelievably sweet comments to his brothers and sister, Ezekiel continues to be OBSESSED with animals. This morning: "Mom, you know what's really important? Baby Jaguars." Um, ok.


• A couple days ago a heard him yelling for help in the kitchen. I ran in there, only to find him hanging on to the fridge handles, standing on the freezer drawer below. When I ask what in the world he was doing, he said "I'm a howler monkey. We like to climb." Apparently, howler monkeys don't know how to get down, though.

(Lest you think my son is perfect, Bekah Jane just came out of my room crying and saying "Brother hit me with a pillow!" Ah, we enjoy the sweet moments when we get them!)

Compassion.

I have compassion for the hungry, for the homeless. Probably more than most, I'd guess. And I certainly have compassion for the orphan, the abandoned. The unloved. That's what brought us to bring a child that's not of our flesh and blood into our home, isn't it? And there - right there, the moment the child crosses your threshold and becomes part of your world, instead of just something sad about the world - that's when compassion goes from macro to micro.

I think I'm pretty good at macro-compassion. You know, feeling deeply about large-scale problems like hunger and abuse. But micro-compassion - the kind of compassion needed when you transition from feeling sorry for a situation to actually getting in there and doing something about it - that kind of compassion is what brings me to my knees. Because it's one thing to hurt deeply for the orphans of this world, but it's quite another to wake up to the sound of him screaming when you desperately want another hour - or two - of sleep. Or to take extra care of his blistering bottom when you're changing the 6th poopy diaper of the day because of his mysteriously troubled little tummy. Or when you're washing that same poop from his hair, because he woke with it covering his crib, his pajamas, his entire body. It is in those moments when I begin to wonder if I actually have any compassion at all.

Two weeks ago today I asked my mom to start praying that God would give me an abundance of compassion. Compassion flowing out of me, spilling onto the children in my care - and one little blond baby in particular. "Maybe this is God's way of protecting you, though," she replied. Meaning that I may not want to feel too deeply for this child, for fear of loosing him in the end. And perhaps she's right.

But it's not right, because what is there instead of compassion is ugly. And not of the Lord, and certainly not honoring to him. So she's praying. And I'm praying. For compassion.

And something is happening.

Sure enough, bit by bit, my heart is softening - sometimes I would even call it mush - as I care for this baby boy. The moments are more tender, more sincere. Today, when he wanted to get my attention, he gently reached up and put his hands on my cheeks. This, from the boy who just weeks ago - or was it days? - was throwing toys at my head to ask for help. Chubby little hands on my cheeks? Mush.

I'm finding myself thinking about him when he's not around. Feeling a bit anxious when I have to leave him, and excited when I get to pick him up again. Happy to hear his sounds in the morning, rather than dreading the new day. Hurting with him when he hurts. And this, more than anything else, is the true litmus test of my compassion for him: My mama-bear instincts are coming out. I want to protect him from hurt, from disappointment, from rejection.

This is no longer a babysitting gig.

As scary as it is to feel this way, I'm equally as scared that it will go away. So pray with me, for an outpouring of compassion to flood our home. And that we will know -- no matter how this journey ends -- we have done what the Lord requires of us.

My heart is full.

Blessings from today:

• My craigslist carseat find! (Two practically-new Britax seats!)



• Watching my daughter pretend to juggle during our "talent show." I laughed so hard watching her...I think even she believed she was actually juggling.



• Snuggling with C for over 20 minutes while we waited in the doctor's office. He crawled up in my lap and nuzzled into me, kissing my cheek from time to time. It was probably the sweetest time I've ever had with him. Simply precious.



• Family movie night! Complete with popcorn and licorice. Watching Bekah Jane comfort Ezekiel when he was scared (Toy Story 3 can be scary you know!). Watching Ezekiel absent-mindedly play with Bekah Jane's hair and rub her back during the movie. They are so stinkin' cute together.
  

It was a good day, a good day indeed.